Yay, a package in the mail!

I love getting things in the mail. Free things in the mail are even better, but the the best yet is the combination of all is a package of free things coming to the house when I'd forgotten about it. Oh, happy goodness-in-a-bag. This is what I got-

There was some confusion and a couple of minutes of silence while I tried to recall ordering something from Target, then I remembered a makeup bag of hair care samples I signed up to get. I have somewhat finicky hair and a sudden allergy to silicone so I've tried many different products in attempts to find one that I can use AND afford. Samples are the answer.

I used the John Frieda Full Repair shampoo and conditioner today and the shampoo felt a little harsh as I used it but when my hair dried the curls were soft and hydrated so I guess it wasn't as bad as I feared it might be. Here's what else I recieved:

John Frieda Full Repair shampoo and conditioner
TRES`emme low sulfate shampoo and silicone free conditioner
Garnier Fructis Fortifying Pure Clean shampoo and conditioner
L'oreal Youth Code
Pond's Evening Soothe cleansing towelettes with chamomile and white tea
a Target coupon book
all in a cute little zippered makeup bag

I'm looking forward to the Garnier and TRES`emme samples, crossing my fingers that they'll work out. I used co-washing with a baking soda scrub right now, but I would love to have a store-bought alternative for certain situations where it would be more convenient or I need my hair to look it's best and I don't want to pay for it by itching and flaking for days. I've tried L`oreal skin products and I have confidence in them, but the Pond's towelettes are an unknown.

Am I supposed to know how to feel?

There are so many possible scenarios that people don't really consider. We just live our lives and so when the unexpected happens, it's unprecedented and we're helpless. It's as though we naively assume the moment that brings the impact will also show us the way to handle it and find our way out.

Losing my Dandad scarred me. A year and a half later I was in less pain but still completely unsure of how to move on, when Nanny followed him. Who can tell you what to feel, how to move past it? Each person has a different history and deals with their feelings in a different way so there can't be a one-size fix for sadness.

I'm trying to find positive points to cling to and focus on in the hopes that I'll feel better sooner than the year it took before.

If you know me or have read my morose blather on this blog then you know that the stress of my Dandad's illness and facing his immanent loss had some physical repercussions for me. First was pneumonia and then quite suddenly, and ironically right after we decided to have another child, I developed fertility problems. I tried weight loss and exercise, then I tried progesterone, followed by a lot of research that lead me to try saw palmetto. The saw palmetto gave me more results and therefore more hope than the other things I tried but still no baby. I really don't like who I am and how I feel on birth control pills so I want to avoid those.... especially since the pregnancy I had on the heels of birth control (conceived 6 days after my last pill) was so whacked out. Every stretch mark was from that baby and I was huge by 4 months. The size of twins by birth, and after nursing I was up to a FF cup. The other two were so much smaller, I want to avoid pills if that's a possibility again.

In my research I had come across a couple of other options for herbs that might help my situation so at the beginning of November I went looking all over for chasteberry (vitex)and found an herbalist here in La Pine that suggested combining it with damiana. Here's what I found about chasteberry;

Medicinal Properties:

This healing herb works primarily on the pituitary gland to balance and stabilize the hormonal fluctuations women experience every month with their menstrual cycle.

It increases the body’s secretion of luteinizing hormone which helps to reduce prolactin and increase both progesterone and follicle-stimulating hormones.

Higher levels of prolactin contribute to irregular or the absence of the menstruation cycle, thus, using this herb helps to normalize the menstrual cycle, including symptoms of PMS.

Evidence suggests that the flowers contain the plant world’s equivalent of human testosterone, which would help to stimulate libido.

I'm feeling the effects already and hoping beyond hope that after the recommended 3 months on it I'll be pregnant, or at the very least back on schedule.

Nanny's obituary

Nancy C. Fulton, 77, of Ashland, Ore., passed away Tuesday, October 18, 2011, at her home. She was born March 2, 1935, in Fort Worth, Texas, to Ernest Lisle and Maudie Earline Lewis. She graduated from Fremont High School in Sunnyvale, Calif.


Nancy married James M. Fulton Jr., on August 2, 1952, in Santa Clara, Calif. She worked for Child Care Counsel 4-C. She enjoyed crossword and jigsaw puzzles, crocheting, and sewing. She served on the 4-C Council Board of Directors.


She is survived by her son, Robert Lisle Fulton; daughter, Becky Ann Winfrey; sister, Cindra Lacey; brother, James Weldon Lewis; nine grandchildren; and 21 great-grandchildren. Nancy was preceded in death by her husband, James Fulton; brother, James Lewis; and grandson, Casey Fulton.


Visitation will at the Conger-Morris Central Point Chapel, Central Point, Ore., on Sunday, October 23, 2011, from 4:00 to 6:00 p.m. A funeral service will be held at the Chapel on Monday, October 24, 2011, at 11:00 a.m. Burial will follow at the Eagle Point National Cemetery at 1:00 p.m. Officiating will be Dennis Preshaw from the Church of Christ.

Arrangements are by Conger-Morris Central Point Chapel, 541-664-3361.

I'm sad.

There are so many words I could use to convey the depth and breadth of my feelings, the experience. None seem right.
When my Dandad passed February 14th, 2010, I felt like my world was turned upside down in the worst way. I'd never dealt with death so close to me, of someone I loved so wholeheartedly. 3 weeks ago my stepgrandfather passed pretty unexpectedly and his funeral was Monday the 17th. It made me feel like I really needed to go see my Nanny, so we arranged to come down on Monday after the funeral. Sunday my sister called me in tears to tell me I shouldn't wait that long. We dropped the children at their grandparents and rushed down. I feel in my heart she heard more than she could show, but I never saw her eyes open again, never heard her voice.
We were there day and night with her and when we all went to the table for dinner on Tuesday, she let go. She was never happier than when she had a table full of food and a house full of noise, laughter, conversation, coffee, and love. She just seemed to shine. I think she waited. Waited til we were all seated at her table, eating, talking, and laughing before she chose to let go in peace.
Never having really mourned before, I didn't know how to handle it when Dandad died and after close to two years of muddling my way through, I thought (foolishly) that experience would make the way a bit smoother. It was heart wrenching to be there, to deal so closely with the process and to see everyone I loved hurting all at once so I kept busy. Emotions were running high, leading to tensions, arguments, thousands of tears, perpetual hugs and I found out Nanny had provided an account especially to feed everyone when she died. That was so like her, lol. it sounds good and healing unless you know me... I can't eat when I'm sad, I can't sit still when I'm stressed, I hate being touched, and I don't know what to do when a grown person cries.
I don't normally drink, but I was willing to try it. honestly, it did help numb the feelings enough that I could cope like a human being. I hugged, I cried, and I cleaned everything in sight, I cooked for hours, I drank coffee til I was dizzy and when she died I drank something harder. I would stay awake til I couldn't any longer just so I wouldn't have to lay in bed and feel. Or think.
Coming home was good for a day and then the realization settled in that without a huge family to care for and all the distractions, I'd have to feel it all. I'm so tired. I wake up tired, I spend the day tired, I cant seem to escape the sadness for more than a few stolen moments at a time. I know I'll heal, I know it'll get better someday.
I just keep thinking of the other people who are hurting even more than I am, who've lost someone so dear and thinking, I'm so grateful for what I had and how much a part of my life they were. I knew they loved me beyond my bad temper, family upheavals, and bad choices. They were my anchor and happy place and I cant envision right now how I'm supposed to move on without them. I'm so thankful for my kids unending unquestioning hugs and laughter, but especially my husband. Who stood with me when I couldn't see through the pain, held me til I fell asleep, and did a hundred and one little things to make it easier for my family and I... and is still.
when I was a child, I didn't understand when someone said that love isn't always happiness and smiles, sunshine and roses, that love can hurt just as badly as it heals. I think I understand now.

I know a lot has happened this last 12 months so I don't expect you to remember but last year I was told I have myofacial pain syndrome. Fibromyalgia is the most common of these, but it's not certain that I have that, it might be another in the same family. I went to a chiropractor for the first time to get my hip back in place, 3 pregnancies left it... A bit lost. I think it forgot it's normal placement. I wasn't looking for a diagnosis, but i got one and the certainty with which it was diagnosed left no room for doubt. What did I, a grown ass woman, a mother of three and natural born survivor do?

I kind of lost it. I went through all the stages of grief. Denial was almost comical, but not quite. I felt shaken to my foundation, a phrase i personally always thought a bit dramatic but now that ive experienced, will not take lightly again. I had a myriad of deep questions and frantic thoughts about my life, its meaning and what this life changing revelation will mean to the path I'm on.

Once I accepted it, I had a moment of clarity- this isn't a life changing revelation. I'm still me, I've lived with it for my entire life and there isn't a medical treatment that will alter my existence. I went back to doing nothing about it until I decided to try yoga and pilates in my desire to be more limber and active. I'd tried fast, intense workouts or prolonged sessions with my exercise bike only to wake each day with more pain than before til it got unbearable and I couldn't force myself to do it one more time. I felt weak and like a failure. But yoga, oh, yoga! I felt like the heavens were singing just for me... No pain! I'd never felt that before, it was almost like a drug. I was happy, active, cheerful, optimistic and sleeping like a normal person. It was glorious. Til we went away for a camping trip. N way I'm doing yoga at a public camp site and after a few days of neglect the pain was back. Possibly felt even worse.

Sometimes it's worse than others so I held on to my sanity and waited it out. Oh, it changed alright, but for the worse. To add insult to injury, I 'gots the dumb'. I saw a shirt once that had a phrase on it which stayed with me, it said "I can't brain today. I have the dumb." my oldest boys shortened it to 'gots the dumb'. Last time I was this stupid was the 9th month of pregnancy with my oldest boy. I lost the word 'the'. Kid you not, lost it. THE. Do you know how hard it is to speak like a civilized human being without it?
I was taking the kids to the library a few days ago and had a nagging ache in my back that graduated to throbbing by the time I was getting out of the car and it was near crippling after a few minutes indoors.my left leg kept turning jellyish and when I tried to straighten up it felt as though my spine was attempting to secede from my pelvis. In order to walk, I cad to put my weight on my right hip and curl my chest toward my knees. I shuffled in a weird, lumpy way over to the non fiction section and found a book on the most researched of pain syndromes, the over-diagnosed and dreaded Fibromyalgia. It's time, I thought to myself, to learn more about what exactly is going on with my traitorous body. Checked the book out, gathered my well behaved little men (thank you for that!) and went home.

of course, time got away with me as it does and by the time I had a moment to read, I was in bed and more interested in watching tv til I slept than cracking open a book on pain. Tonight was a little easier, the pain was down to a dull roar, I had a lucidity that's been a rare thing in the past month, and the kids had a simple dinner and ran themselves out at the park. With a sharp pencil, a new pack of lined notecards, and quiet, I started reading. It was a beautiful mixture of technical explanations and similes. I UNDERSTOOD! Not just the words and ideas, I mean I felt like they wrote it based on ME. Poor Mike just wanted to sleep but instead he heard a litany of random quotes from the book. Who knew that yoga could increase endorphins thereby dulling the pain? And they would also decrease depression, moodiness, pain, and appetite? How had I never known that excessive PMS symptoms, head/jaw aches, insomnia, overeating, listlessness, and muscle twitches are normal for fibromyalgics? As is, surprisingly, the mental fog I get from time to time.

I'm not sure I've ever been this excited about a book. I'm only a 6th of the way through or so and already have a sheaf of notes taken. The best thing I've taken from this book is how lucky I really am. I've lived with it for so long that I usually don't notice it, it's not as though I had much to compare it to. I can manage it through natural methods and I KNOW what's going on with me. Did you know there's an average of 5 years searching for the name of the mystery illness for fibromyalgia sufferers? I didn't look at all and the answers were all just handed to me.
I suspect my middle son has it as well and learning more about it will help us both. I'm so thankful that it's not just brushed off as hysteria or malaise anymore, that there has been enough research done and books written that it can benefit the general public.

There are times I wonder about myself

Today is one of them. When I was a teen I was moody, given to quickly alternating bouts of anger and extreme sadness. I cried daily from both emotions.
The good news is my family were thick skinned and not inclined to take me out back and put me out of their misery. This gave me time to get my head out of the place it was firmly lodged and grow up a bit. I'm happy to say most of my loved ones now like me.
However, there are certain occasions where I feel deja-vou-flashbacky things from those awful years and I want to whine and yell "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!"
Not such a great gut instinct when caring for small children, something about teaching by example. Meh.
Oh, can't forget my favorite part of this rewind from hell .... It comes once a month and brings a gluttonous appetite with it. I suddenly crave Slim Jims, ice cream, and Little Debbie. All of which draws a range of responses from shuddering to a flat out NO. Sometimes a dirty look with a lifted eyebrow.
It came early.
Usually I prep for it by stocking up on seriously yummy, more healthful alternatives to the junk I jones for. If you knew that for one week a month you would pack away empty, preservative and sugar laden calories like a starving badger wouldn't you do something to avoid the majority of the damage? It came early and I'm broke and unprepared. Oh, the cravings and horror. I'm an emotional train wreck with self esteem issues, swollen feet, and an untrustworthy desire to eat anything that smells good. God help you if you're wearing a body spray or perfume that reminds me of cotton candy, apples, or vanilla frosted cupcakes.
To direct my scattered thoughts Im knitting a sock. Hopefully when I'm done there will be two almost similar socks but I'm not holding out hope. If I get antsy I'll check Facebook to see what my friends are up to... Which is why I'm up at midnight looking for shoes online. Not just any shoes, the ones I already own.
A friend of mine is very feminie, all tiny and cute and does things with hair, makeup, and shoes. Recently having discovered that I myself am a girl, I'm taking an interest in such thing so when she posted a picture of the shoes she just bought I HAD to comment. She replied that she is going to have to learn to walk in them, which reminded me of a pair of nosebleed inducing heels that I learned to stilt around on last summer. Here's a helpful high heeled hint you won't get from Heloise; if your feet get dry in the summer and you like to wear shoes that allow you to gather cloud cover around your ears, don't, I emphasize DO NOT lotion your dry feet. Either you will simply slide right out of those puppy's and clatter to an sexy pile on the ground from an awful height or your shoes will be reinforced skillfully enough to stop you by cramming your 5 toes into one large lump in the tip of your shoe and causing numbness and tingling that will last for days.
I thought maybe my blog had a picture of my deadly sexy high heeled platform strappy shoes from hell. I did a search and though I found nothing, I realized how long it had been since I really posted here.
I think I'm a little unhinged, but in a cute, endearing way right?
You know you love me.

Last night I forgot to write down my food, but thankfully it was easy to remember.
I had a bowl of oatmeal with brown sugar and butter for breakfast (280) then 4 small slices of veggie pizza (750) for dinner.... I woke from my nap just before lunch and got busy cleaning, missed it altogether. I had fully caffeinated coffee and a glass of water with my coffee, then 2 glasses of pepsi max with the pizza.


Today so far is good, too.
Breakfast: oatmeal with brown sugar and butter, water and 2 cups of coffee 280 cal
Lunch: healthy choice Kung pow chicken with rice, a glass of water and another soda 300 cal

On a more personal side I'm a little emotional today, I've gotten misty a couple of times today over nothing, really. I'm hopeful that this is a sign of impending ovulation though I don't have any signs of it so far other than some mild cramps and tenderness.

Losing Weight Wednesday May 25

Breakfast: 2 serving of cottage cheese 200 cal
Lunch: Lean Cuisine Tortilla Crusted Fish 300 cal
Dinner: Lean Cuisine Asian Noodles 300
Snacks:2 cupcakes at 195 cal each
Peanut noodles 420 cal
Total- 1410 hooray!

One of those days

Sometimes I have bad days, the pain I'm in makes me angry or frustrated and i can't have people touching me or getting too close, demanding my focus when I can't really do that. We call them "touchy". Yesterday was one of those days and it was bad for the kids and me and my diet suffered as well. Mike is very understanding about these sort of times, but I never stop feeling bad about it.
I still hurt, my back and shoulders are tight knots, my ribs ache, my abdomen and pelvis have been cramping, too. Clenching my jaw to the point of a headache, listening to my joints pop when I move. The day of is worse than the day after but it still hurts and I'm a bit stand-offish yet.
The kids were good, they understood not to pull or climb on me and Mike gave me a kiss and let me be... that's a little sad to me. But the worst of all was my diet. I've been working hard and being careful and I'm upset that I allowed myself to wallow in it and seek comfort in food. I made up a batch of chocolate fudge cupcakes with strawberry filling and buttercream frosting. yeah...... I ate 2 and enough spoon licking to count as 3. The craving appeased, I turned around to see 19 cupcakes left on the counter and thought, Oh, puppies, how badly am I going off my diet if I don't get rid of those?! Mike came home and had one, that gave me an idea - send them to work with him! I set aside a few for todays dessert and the rest went to City Hall. It was a plus to get compliments for them, but I got the temptation out of my house!!! Big step. I need to be careful of days like this in the future because of how badly my mood undermines my plans.

Losing Weight Tuesday May 24

I was so bad yesterday, I just didn't really care that much I guess.
Breakfast: two hot dogs, cold. 260 cal
Lunch: a can of garbanzo beans made into hummus 150
Dinner: peanut noodles 756 cal
Snacks: 6 mini spinach quiche and two cupcakes. 3 if you count the spoon licking I did while cooking them. 195 cal/cupcake 40 cal/quiche

1991 total for the day still under 2000, so great! I was lazy and grazing and didn't really look at the numbers before putting it in my mouth. I'm most surprised by the peanut noodles, wow. Back to paying more attention.

Losing Weight Monday May 23

Today I slept in (or tried to) because I had 4-5 hours a night for the last few days and I was running on empty. Unfortunately, Mike couldn't find the keys this morning since I handed them to Mack last night to give to Daddy and they ended up on a table near the downstairs bathroom... Nowhere near his dad. So I got to wake up at 10 to 6 in the morning. I fell back asleep for a couple hours and when I woke I wasn't too interested in eating, I get a stomach ache if I sleep badly. Bah.
I had some water and my vitamins, about an hour later I started feeling hungry, finally!

Breakfast: instant strawberry oatmeal and 3 cups of coffee. 150
Lunch: salmon burger 170 on a sandwich thins bun 100 with fresh spinach, tomato, mayo 90 and horseradish 68 Seriously good.
Dinner: lean cuisine lasagna and chicken dinner and a 44 ounce diet pepsi. 290 cal

We had a doughnut each for dessert. 240 cal

I added this on the fly, in my head but I think it's 1108. This week On the tv dinner diet Mike lost 4 lbs while I lost only 1. Any is good and I'm happy there was no gain, but I would have been happier if I'd lost more. Still have 3 weeks to go!

I'm looking forward to this weekend

I've been very carefully keeping track of my calories this week and other than one day that I really went overboard, I am REALLY happy with myself.
Mike and I are both overweight by about 50 lbs and while my health hasn't been too affected by it especially since I've been losing little by little, Mike's health has. He has high blood pressure and sleep apnea and his father had a stroke at a young age, obviously we have some work ahead of us. I've put a lot of effort into my own weight loss and better health but I haven't really pushed Mike into anything... mostly because he'd get angry and do the opposite.
Not that I gave up, not by a long shot but I had to soften it into suggestions and recommendations and simply buying better snacks and cooking healthier, eating at home more. Of course that's not exactly helpful if he buys a burger and fries on the way home, gets a soda and pizza for lunch, candy bars or Little Debbie snacks in his drawer at work. He's an adult and ultimately will make his own choices but as a person who loves him I want better for him.
He reached a breaking point all on his own and was unhappy over, I could tell he was starting to feel disgust and worthlessness (I know from experience). Thinking in a new direction might help, so I scoured the web for idea, inspiration, ANYTHING to give him a toe hold in the downhill slide. eDiets and Nutri-System and the like are too spendy, one month of their food for 1 person costs just a little less than a month worth of food for our family of 5. In reading the reviews and comments I saw a couple of comments about sticking to Lean Cuisine and Healthy Choice.
Hmmmmmmmm. Getting thinky now. Is that really a diet? I thought it was simply a healthier alternative to the other tv dinners. Time for more in-depth research!!
I feel you should imagine a good super hero theme song at this interval.
I built an arsenal of information with which to convince my darling husband that this was a good diet for him. To my shock, I didn't need to convince at all. I simply mentioned that I's seen online that you can actually lose weight with tv dinners and BAM, just like that he was interested and all for it.
We planned out what to buy, 100 calories snacks/desserts, lots of fruits and veggies, salad and of course, the tv dinners. We looked for the ones that are the best for us (low sugar, low sodium) and we were off and running. Er,not exactly but you know what I mean.
Mike selected low sodium meals from Lean Cuisine and Healthy Choice for lunches and some dinners as well as some snack for work. The kids eat pretty much what we eat, they love grown up meals that I can actually have like baked fish and salad, so I make the breakfast and have either a meal replacement shake or a bowl of oatmeal, fruit, and coffee or tea. Water and a snack like yogurt or cucumber slices, then for lunch and dinner I choose one meal to cook from scratch and one that's a frozen meal.
We had a hard couple of days at the beginning of the week while we adjusted to smaller meals and less sugar, but it's getting easier. I discovered that I can't have Rice Crispy Treats in the house, lol. Mike learned he needs to have snacks to keep him from giving in to hunger before getting home. We've also made sure to take a good hard look at the nutritional information at any restaurants we might go to.
I have high hopes for Mike if he can get used to this diet, I think it's really well suited to him and he could keep this up for a long time.
This weekend is supposed to be sunny and I hope to get the family out for a walk. if I can add walking 3 days a week then I can lose even more weight, maybe even firm things up a little. :) If nothing else, I get to relax with my kids and husband before Monday's weigh-in comes around.

Losing Weight Friday May 20

I was bad again today, I just can't seem to keep away from the darn Rice Crispy Treats.

Breakfast: weight loss shake 310 cal
Lunch: spaghetti and meatballs Lean Cuisine with two slices of oven toast 450 cal
Dinner: 2 fillet of fish w/ mixed veggies, salad w/dressing. 360 cal
I upped my water intake today, but I also had 4 Rice Crispy Treats (360 cal) so I haven't gone too far out of bounds, but I'm not happy with my choices.
Total today 1480 cal.

Losing Weight Thursday May 19

Breakfast: meal replacement shake 310 cal
Lunch: large salad with tomato, avocado, cheese and ham. 270 cal.
Dinner: Lean Cuisine dinner with Parmesan bread. 660 cal.
Taffy for dessert: 320 cal

Total of 1560 cal.

Losing Weight May 18

I forgot to take down my food for yesterday, oops.
Let's see, can I remember ....

Breakfast: meal replacement shake 310 cal.

Lunch: very large salad with tomato, spinach, avocado, ham, and a sprinkling of cheese. 270 cal

Dinner: Subway oven roasted chicken footlong on wheat with veggies and a tablespoon of chipotle sauce. 680

I had a glazed donut and a handful of saltwater taffy, I think 4? They were small, in any case, about as big around as a penny. 320 cal.

Total is 1580 cal. Yipee!

I love Avon

I have a few friends who sell Avon and I like to look through the E-zines and newsletters because they have neat stuff, good prices and great sales but I never bought anything. I wanted to, don't get me wrong, but the money and sales never seemed to coincide.
My sister in law started selling and I had the money, finally, so of course I indulged myself and placed an order. I got a little mini heart-shaped mold that's just adorable, I think the kids will love it. I also got them one each of scented bath time body paints for the fun of it, and then for me I took advantage of a 3 for $9 sale on nail polish and nail products. I got enamel in Cherry Jubilee and Tweed. I LOVE them. I also got a base coat because my nails have little lines on them and tend to get stained by strong polish colors. Of course, I also got a top coat to finish off the manicured look. They looks so gorgeously smooth and glossy now.
Putting on and taking off polish is hard on my nails, so I got a nail strengthening liquid called Strong Results. It says I'm supposed to put it on clean dry nails one or twice a day for 5 days without using polish during that time. The reviews looked good and I figured it couldn't hurt to try. Wow, I underestimated this stuff.

It smells a little like Nag Champa as it dries which is nice and right now I'm on day 4 and I'm so pleased with my nails. They are SO much stronger, I love it.
I also heard good things about Avons Naturals conditioner, and I have tried just about everything out there to moisturise and shine my very curly hair so why not? I got banana&coconut milk, and almond oil &avocado. I tried the banana conditioner first and it's ok, I'm not impressed with the scent, it reminds me of being at the pool in my childhood summers and it wasn't as Hydrating as it could have been but my hair looked good. Shiny and nicely coiled curls, just a bit dry. I've always had positive result with avocado or almond so I think that one might work better for me. I co-wash and I love trying new conditioners.

Losing Weight Tuesday May 17

Breakfast: oatmeal with margarine and brown sugar, 2 cups coffee with milk 228 cal.
Lunch: pork chop, grilled, large salad with cucumber, tomato, carrots, and vinaigrette 322
Dinner: healthy options chicken rice and veggies tv dinner, rice crispy treat and peppermint candy, unsweetened ice tea. 535 cal
1085!!!!! Wooooo! Much closer to my goal of 2000 a day.

Losing Weight Monday May 16 2011

Today is the first day on a one month diet for both Mike and I and it didn't have a stupendous beginning. I woke up with a nasty headache that I couldn't relieve with coffee since I had to avoid caffiene for the time being, so I took a couple Tylenol with my morning multi-vitamin.
Breakfast: meal replacement shake and a large glass of water. 310 cal.
Lunch: lean cuisine turkey, mashed potatoes w/gravy and a fruit&squash side. 20 oz water and 40oz sweet tea.570 cal
Dinner: 1 cup pork and beans with two slices of garlic parmesan toast and 40 oz water. 400 cal.

I did pretty well, right? Til someone reminded me we had Rice Crispy Treats in the pantry. I was craving and cranky and headachy and I thought one might be ok. While I was in the pantry, I got two. Then a half hour later I went back for two more. At 90 calories a piece, that was a big hit to my plan. If I had stopped at one or even two I would have been fine, but instead I had 4 and my calories hit 2640. Yeah..... That's 640 calories over my limit.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Making This Diet Official

I love sweets. I used to have a huge addiction to soda and for years I've eaten as though I'm still 18 and working a hard, physical job daily. My husband's weakness for fast food has been hard to resist. My weight has yo-yo'd for 10 years.

Now that all my linen is being aired nicely, I can start fresh and get this weight off. I've made some realizations and the result is a few promises to myself and a new point of view. I lie to myself. It's in little white lie form, but still there and damaging my weight loss efforts. I pretend not to see it if there is only a 2-3 lb gain and for a while I was counting my lowest weight even though it had fluctuated. I would forget to write certain calories because I didn't feel it counted if I only had one (or two) bites. Then of course I wondered why I was hitting dead zones.

I kept a food diary for a year, mostly as a way of shocking myself but it was a good guide to plan my next meal or see a pattern in my diet. I really was shocked to see some of my calorie count for the day end up in the 3000 range, even though most of the time I was about 2200-2300. That explains how I gained about 20 lbs a year. As if I was mystified, lol.

I had a huge hill to climb as far as changin my eating habits, I wasn't satisfied with a temporary or fast fix and I had really, really bad habits. Desserts too often and about twice the size they should have been, fast food several times a week, soda or coffee or BOTH daily. Full sugar, no substitutes. Did I mention how much I love adding sour cream and cheese to tacos, creamy sauces to chicken, frying vegetables? Yeah, bad eating.
First, I tackled learning protion control. Sounds kind of simplistic, we should know portions but it's startling how little we really know. For instance, a regular size can of my favorite soda is 2.5 servings? Who drinks less than half a can? And a bowl of cereal should be roughly 1 cup. It's a lot smaller than it sounds when you see it in a bowl, especially when a serving of milk is the same, 1 cup. My 3 year old son eats more than that for breakfast, forget about it satisfying the appetite of a big woman like myself. That's not even considering how unhealthy the average breakfast cereal is, and if its healthy it doesn't taste very good.
It took me nearly a year to make or eat meals that were of a normal size, time to move on to change number two- making healthier food choices. This one was much easier, believe it or not. We got menus from our usual restaurants so that we could be more informed before making our selections, restricting our eating out to one night a week, finding healthier alternatives for desserts and snacks. We managed this in a couple of months, all but soda. Ah, the worst of our habits. My husband refused to quit, he didn't want to so I did it on my own over a summer. I started by drinking diet. It was gross so of course I drank less, but not enough less. So I quit coffee and soda, replacing it with sweet tea. In copious amounts to give me the sugar and caffiene I craved. After a week I cut the amount of sugar in half, then another week I made it with no sweetner at all. That wasn't so hard, but replacing half the tea with water was.

Changing my eating habits and getting more active brough me down from 300 to 280. I've been down to 278 twice, but it hasn't stuck. I get secretive when I backslide and I tend to backslide at big events or when I'm sick. I think I finished a third of a sheet cake by myself after one party. This long rambling post is the beginning of complete food honesty for me, I'll be posting here daily to keep myself accountable. For the first time I'll be trying something new, timed goals. I was never able to control the variables enough to lose weight when and how much I wished but I think I can now.

Family weekend and a little self analysis.

I was gone for the weekend to see family. It was really great but at the same time, a little odd. I had an awesome time visiting my dad's family and while there I discovered something about myself that I had been reluctant to admit. I've got a gutter mind. Now, if this is a surprise to you then imagine how I feel? My youngest sister told me a couple of months back that when I visited the conversational material was lowered significantly - this is really something coming from HER and I was mildly offended and not so mildly taken aback. I kept an eye on it though and sure enough I'm not an innocent party. Sigh. I'll have to work on that now, sheesh. Personal improvements aren't my forte.
The second time I thought the word 'odd' during the weekend was when my brother and his wife made a strong point of wanting to spend time with us. Enough so to go as far as demanding it of us.... which is necessary if you want any chunk of our time and company while we're down there visiting, but unusual, nonetheless. They often make noises about us getting together for dinner or coffee or some other polite way of saying they don't have time for us and definitely have other people they'd rather be associating with, but the brotherly love is there somewhere and we'll renew it at some later date. I kept waiting for the Big Moment that i sort of assumed came along with the particularity of us getting together. Why make such a point of it all if there wasn't something different or unusual spurring them on? It never really happened so now I'm at home.. and still waiting.
For the bomb to be dropped, the other boot to hit the floor, the ax to fall, whatever cliche suits you the best.
I feel I've given the wrong impression now. My brother doesn't actually like me as a person but he feels brotherly stuff, but his wife and I used to be good friends. I *think* she still likes me, but our relationship never settles so it's not easy to be sure.
The next 'odd' moment was realizing I wasn't going to see my mom while I was there. I always see her if only for a moment, a drive-by hug, etc. She wasn't in town. I felt a little sad and lost when we drove away without seeing her.
Of course, the biggest oddity was Nanny's house. It's hard enough to wrap my very stubborn brain around the idea that Dandad isn't just away, he's not going to show up any time soon. But Nanny not being there, either? It feels as though the house died and we're quiet in respect of the poor corpse sitting there all dark and cold.
My brother and his wife are making good and important revisions to the house to get it ready for Nanny's return home in a wheelchair. I think they are aesthetically pleasing changes as well as being better for Nanny, yet... I felt something moving around in my chest. Once I took the time to scrutinize it, I saw that it was resentment. The familiar was being ripped out and it distanced me even further from the good times and loved ones I remembered there.
The sad-sweet moments when I glanced at some place or thing and there was a memory flash of someone I loved or a time before the tough stuff happened or a time before I was aware of the bad that was there alongside the good. I cherished those moments and they're being taken away from me.
For the first time I saw my Dandad's headstone. The reaction was instantaneous and visceral, and the aftershocks haunted me all weekend.
It was a weekend full of laughter, teasing, bbq, sunshine, children, and large happy gatherings. I felt loved and wanted and though I didn't get to spend the time with everyone that I wished, it was good. Really good like a hug for the soul.
I needed that. I didn't see how deeply I was affected by the family stuff going on back at home. I want so badly for my husband's sister to like me and sometimes she seems to, I love spending time with her and then there is the inevitable 'something' that happens where she decides it's best if we're not all that close. I love that her daughter seems to like me as a person, not just the obligatory uncle's wife affection, but then the very liking has an alienating effect on her mom and grandma toward me. I feel like such an awkward fit, I know they think I'm weird and different and lately it makes me feel bad. It's occurred to me I might not be the cool, fun, interesting, eccentric aunt/SIL/DIL so much as a potential weird lady who wears flowy clothes and talks about essences and intention that longs to live in a garden somewhere far away from cities.
It was hard to grow up enough to accept myself the way I am and learn to laugh at myself, self confidence is HARD won and finding that I suddenly doubt myself once again really makes me insecure. And a smidge neurotic.
Growing up sucks.

Helena Jacket - Interweave

Helena Jacket - Interweave





I use Interweave almost daily. Seriously now, I use it for techniques, inspiration, the newest in crochet and knitting trends, you name it. Today it paid off! I got an email offering me a survey, at the end of the survey I got a coupon for $5 off any purchase, no minimum. EEEEEEEEEEE! It was a hard choice between the Tuscany Tank Dress and the helena Jacket. You can see which one I chose, but I think I'll be buying the Tuscany Tank Dress pattern anyway. It's so pretty and I've been looking at it for at least a year so it's not really an impulse buy, now is it?
Yay for me!

Which way is up?

I am feeling so much better, the sore, swollen jaw has faded to a mild ache. I tried to eat a sandwich yesterday and despite it being as soft as I could make it, it was too much for my gums and jaw. I felt like I had chewed sand afterward.
Yesterday I finished the anti nausea Rx and today I'm taking my last 2 penicillin so I figured it was a good time to try going off the pain pills. I figured at the worst I would be in pain after a few hours and would take it again, but at the best I would feel fine and not have to take any more.
Um, I assumed too much. I was actually somewhere in between the two. I was sore and grumpy but not enough that I felt I needed the heavy stuff. Ibuprofen helped the pain well enough that I am happy taking that instead, but Mike suggested I take one of the heavy duty pills for the night. Not waking up in the middle of the night with a painful jaw? let me think about that. Today I was able to eat without pain, sauteed baby squash and mushrooms with a sprinkling of cheese. It was so good to eat solid food!
There is a single issue now that I would like to be rid of. I'm dizzy and a little slow. I know you're laughing, yuck it up. Got it out of your system now? OK, moving on.
I took one of the hydrocodone at 11 pm last night and nothing but ibuprofen today yet the dizziness persists. If I sit still and don't talk or move my head too quickly then it's minimal. I still feel like someone is spinning the couch a little if I focus too closely on anything but it's not overwhelming like it is if I stand or goodness gracious, walk up the stairs. I've also noticed a strange correlation. The dizzier I am, the harder it is to speak. If you know me or have ever read this blog, talking isn't a hardship for me. I feel like I have to work for every word, over-pronouncing and spacing each word out as though I've had a stroke. I'm not taking the pain pills anymore, period.

Stormy Weather and really good meds

I had 5 teeth taken out on Friday morning. 4 wisdom teeth, 3 of which were impacted, and one molar that couldn't be saved. I was all cozied up by taking a diazepam Thursday night and two more 30 minutes before my appointment on Friday morning. It was so easy, I remember being woozy and warmly dizzy on the way into the office but I lost visual somewhere between the waiting room and the exam room. I remember hearing them tell me to sit, I felt the iv go in and the 3-4 injections in my mouth, then I woke up. I slept most of the way home and I spent the first 24 hours in and out of consciousness, waking take pills and follow directions. Once I woke with an intense hot flash followed by cold sweat and shakes, then vomiting. Mike was taking such good care of me, he called Dr Kreuger for an anti nausea med which strangely, is revolting to taste.
Soft foods, liquids, and tons of rest and I'm getting slowly back to normal. Mike was waiting on me hand and foot all weekend and took a sick day today to help me out more since I'm still a little messed up. He's so great.
I cant focus on a book or crochet, I get crosseyed and sleepy every time I do.

Yarn Necklaces are pretty

Tonight my niece turned 15. We got her a pretty off-white linen dress with a thin leather belt, but I felt like something was missing. Being without wrapping paper, I quickly sewed a bag our of white fabric with black flowers and a red ribbon for a tie. Hmm.... tied up all pretty and still, something was missing. While searching for the fabric to make the bag I had run across a couple of balls of a very deep purple Pima cotton lace weight thread so when I finished up the gift bag a lightbulb went off in my head.
BING!! (yes, it made the sound)
I had seen a crocheted necklace somewhere, at sometime, I couldn't remember the details but I loved it. Basically it was lengths of chain with a small section of single crochet at either end, each chain length is a little longer than the last. A button on one of the single crochet ends and a button hole on the other, then some flowers sewn to the lengths off center. It was much simpler than it sounds when I explain it, I promise. So I whipped up a necklace and a bracelet.
Here's what I did, though you can change the weight of the yarn and number of stitches to suit yourself.

Necklace
With two strand lace weight cotton, doubled and a size 10 hook:
Chain 161, turn, sc in 5 ch, chain 170, sc in the last 5 ch.
Turn, sc in 5 sc, chain 180, (sc, chain 3, sc) in last 5 sc.
Turn, (sc, 3 sc in chain 3 space, sc), chain 190, sc in last 5 sc.
turn, sc in 5 sc, chain 200, sc in last 5 sc.
Turn, sc in 5 sc, chain 210, sc in last 5 sc.

Attach a button to the single crochet section without the button hole. Weave in ends. Crochet 2 flowers and attach them to two strands together, wherever you think they look best.

Bracelet

Same materials and hook as for necklace.
Chain 56, turn, sc in the first 5, chain 45, sc in the last 5.
turn, sc in 5 sc, chain 45, sc in 5 sc.
Turn, sc in 5 sc, chain 45, (sc 1, chain 3, sc 1) in the last 5 sc.
Turn, sc in sc, 3 sc in chain 3, sc in sc, ch 45, sc in 5.
Turn, sc in 5, chain 45, sc in 5.
finish off, weave in ends. attach button to the side without a buttonhole, make a flower and sew it to two strands together wherever you think it would look best.

Flower
with single thread, chain 4, join into a ring. chain 1, *sc, hdc, dc, 2tc, dc, hdc, sc* Repeat til there are 5 petals, join to first sc and finish off.

She seemed to like them. Her favorite colors are purple, black, and red and I managed to add those all to her present AND she has a thing for buttons but she also admitted that she's the type to smile and pretend to love it even if she hates it. She's 15 and I'm not sure what teenagers like or if it was really dorky. Oh well, *I* thought it was pretty so I think I'll be making one for myself tomorrow.
If you make this, it's fast and easy, just 3 tips - 1) try to make sure that the button isn't so heavy that it pulls the necklace down the back of your neck 2)take the time to stop and organize the strands of chaining every so often in order to keep it straight and even 3) sew the flower to 2 strands to keep the flower from twisting backwards.
My skirt is coming along nicely as well, but it's in a boring stretch where I just keep repeating the pattern over and over and over and... see it's not interesting in the least. 2 more inches and I'll start making some decreases for the waist, that will involve some thinking at least. I'm not sure what I'll do for the waist bad and tie, but I love the look of the motifs on the hem and I can't wait to get the edging on it to see the finished look.

I just don't know WHY

We have an old, mismatched, gas guzzling Suburban that takes 20 minutes to warm up. It's been a huge life-saver in the winter when we might not have gotten out of the driveway through the huge piles of snow if we hadn't had it. My dad sold it to us for a few hundred and we haven't gotten the title in our name as of yet.
This morning when Mike left for work it was here. This afternoon at 4:30 when Mike came home, it wasn't. Just like that. I was cleaning the house and getting ready for a family night with all of his side of the family so I was inside all day and other than running the vacuum or being in the shower, I didn't have enough noise that I would have missed that very loud engine.
It's really shaken me up that someone came on to our property and just simply TOOK a vehicle. I was here alone with my children. I was asleep from the time Mike left til about 9 am, too. After calling all friends, family, and neighbors that might have borrowed it and forgotten to tell us, Mike called the Sheriff's office. The officer came out, took our information and had Mike fill out the paperwork but told us he was holding off filing it til later tonight just in case the one person we didn't get a hold of had it.
No call yet to tell us it's found, but I'm hopeful.
The big thing - WHY? Why would someone come out to the backside of a tiny town, drive down a dirt road with 4 houses on it, turn down MY driveway and think to themselves, I should take that old 3 color Suburban with a bathtub in the back. did I forget to mention that we'd bought a tub to replace the one upstairs and since we had no room for it yet we left it in the back? Yeah.

On to something slightly different

I have lost weight, I really have. Last year at this time I was about 310 again and now I'm 278. I worked for that number - not hard exactly, but it was still work. However, the Acai Berry Blend and Cleanse Aware didn't help me lose wight. I did lose 4 lbs from colon cleanse and while I'm tickled to be down by ANY poundage, ew. Seriously? 4 lbs? Again I say, ew.
I've only lost 2 lbs this last month and a half and that's a little short of what I was aiming for, which was 12 lbs. On the upside, while window shopping with my SIL I found I am now a size 22W. Note the W, that means I'm still big, but a size smaller than before. My 24s are too big and most brands of 22 are tight. Not in a painful,red line, sucking-in-to-zip sort of way but more along the lines of an uncomfortable awareness of a tiny muffin top and obvious camel-toe kid of way. I just don't have the cojones to walk in public like that... which you would see quite clearly if you saw me in 22 regulars.
I love the losing, hate the in-between sizing. But who makes a 23 women's tall? in anything? Nobody *I* can afford. I hate showing off my knees in dresses and my ankles in pants. I hate showing them off, period, but it's especially bad when I am trying to look cute. I celebrated by buying a pair of jeans, a pair of shoes, and a super duper fancy dress. Who knows, I my wear it somewhere, but in the mean time I am prepared. And really excited about being a 22.
At least I was. Now that the shock of that has worn a little, I'm on to a new goal of a size 20. I figure that will take about 10 lbs, so I'm giving myself the goal date of June 1st to lose those 10 lbs. A friend of mine has lost a ton of weight and I am going to be a good little lemming and follow her example. She said her doctor was concerned about the weight she'd gained so she gave her some simple guidelines to lose the weight - avoid "white" foods and sugar, eat veggies, lean meats, and dairy (milk,yogurt) daily. So every morning she starts her day with oatmeal and eats normal portions of lean meats and veggies for her meals, having a snack of yogurt, fruit, or some sort of fiber bar during the day. Increase water. She's lost 41 pounds as of yesterday, she managed it BEFORE her goal date!
Considering my self control is spotty at best and I'm doing it alone, still feeding Mike and the kids foods I wont be eating, i don't think I'll make a spectacular showing right away. But I know it worked for her, I've thought about doing this before and I checked out the South Beach diet book for recipe ideas.
On the 29th of March my middle son turned 6. Not only was it hard to handle emotionally but I ate the cake. Like, nearly the whole thing, myself. I cant guess what you're thinking and I KNOW!! Gross. Ten my period and a cold hit on the same day. Period is gone, cold is nearly gone, but the weight is still here. I guess I can't keep calling it water weight if it's still here this long after, right?
In 9 days my oldest turns 8. Wah. I get to face this little scenario again. Then 5 days later, my youngest sister turns 19. WTH is going on here? I'm not that old, this is not happening. The best I can hope for is to lose weight, get healthy, and hope it makes me younger and prettier looking along the way. At least when I lose the weight I'll be likely to live long enough to see my great grandkids :)
I'm heading down to see my family soon. I've missed them all and it'll be good to see them. It's hard to see Nanny going through what she's going through, being in a nursing home, in so much pain, suffering with her dementia. It's even harder seeing her house empty or with someone else in it. But it's great to see Bert and her kids, being around the same ages as my monsters.. er, darlings.. we can get together at a park or large restaurant and no other adult in the group will be giving me THAT look. You know, the one that accuses you of knowingly bringing children into the world and then inflicting them on the public before the age of "knowing how to shut up and be invisible so as not to inconvenience adults". Bite me.
I get to spend time with my dad and his family, I really wish I could see them more. And Maybe, just maybe, I can pin my mom to a firm date for a visit to us up here in the boonies. I hit a bunch of sales after the first melt-off and I have a winter assortment of coats and sweaters for my nieces and nephews, a handful of clothing for my littlest sis, and a shirt for my mom.
I'm so glad to see less snow! I say less, not 'the end of' because still get snow every other day here and it melts off in anywhere from an hour to 2 days. when this stops, I have a bunch of planting and yard work planned. In the meantime, Mike is fixing things around the house. Changing the filter on the pump, building a well house, fixing the toilet and tub faucet downstairs, replacing the faucet in the kitchen, and making preparations for the remodeling the upstairs and downstairs bathrooms. When that's done, we have windows to replace and a new front door to put in... then I get to paint. hehe. this summer is going to be full, for sure. We joined Groupon and got a big discount on ticket to the Oregon Coast Aquarium, so we have plans to go to the coast in the beginning of August. Right about when I turn 31. Hopefully by then I'll be significantly lighter and feel much younger than (and therefore better about) turning 31.

So far SO good

On February 1st I started taking the samples I went through so much for. It's still early days but things are going well. I'm taking 1 acai berry pill and 1 cleanse aware pill daily and I can say it's working. I have more energy in a good way, nothing like it was when I took Metabolite. Ugh, I was shaky and twitchy and easily started the whole time I took it and I never lost weight.
Of course, I'm not just taking the acai and counting on weight loss, I've also made some changes to my diet... well I made them before I started the acai.
~less fat and sugar
~more vegetables and fruit
~big breakfast, med lunch, small dinner with snacks between
~more water, less soda, coffee, and sweet tea
I've reduced fat by choosing better options instead, like mustard instead of mayo, chicken instead of beef, baked instead of fried. Sugar, well, that one was harder. I love my sugar. I know that sometimes the signal for dehydration and sugar cravings get mixed up so I have a big glass of water and a fruit or handful of crackers. If I still want something sweet later, I have ONE of something. Just about anything I want actually but as long as I make sure it's a single serving it's all ok.
More vegetables and fruit isn't a problem either, I just make a vegetable instead of rice or mashed potatoes or noodles. Or keep the carb and add the veggie to it. And water, pshaw. I drink a 24 ounce glass first thing in the morning with my pills and then another with each meal. It's not hard to cut back on sweet tea when I ahve so much water and I let myself have the soda or coffee once a week as long as the soda is diet. Coffee, Whooee, I have whatever I like!!

All of this talk of "no problem, it's easy" makes you a little suspicious doesn't it? yeah, there has to be SOME issue, something has to be less than easy. Two somethings. #1 - I hate exercising. Yeah, I can do it if I have to, but I will find all sorts of ways to avoid it. I get around it most times by getting my workout through normal daily activities. If I go shopping I'll walk around the store a couple of times or break up the shopping list so that I have to go across the store several times. Shoveling snow, playing with the kids, giving the house a more vigorous cleaning. Still, not getting as much activity as I should.
Bigger problem #2 - I can't eat a big breakfast. I'm trying to eat a big healthy breakfast every day and having such a hard time! I never thought that would be a problem (while I'm not pregnant anyway) but it turns out I hate oatmeal or farina without butter or sugar. I can handle one or the other but not missing both. Not even with cinnamon and apples and currants. It gets a little easier if I just add other foods to it like a breakfast of oatmeal, an orange, and yogurt, but sometimes I want a single meal. Either the meal is too small or not healthy or I just plain don't like it. I'm sure I'll find a small number of breakfasts I like and just keep them in rotation.
In the meantime I'm taking the acai and cleanse aware and they're working. I'm down from 284 to 281. Here's hoping it will keep going this direction!

February is nearly here

This winter started a month early, heavy snows that built up with each week or two of freezing temperatures and icy packed down roads, trees laden and bowing. It was gorgeous but a little sooner than we expected it so I hoped, but couldn't bank on, the spring coming just as early. We had one single melt-off of any significance before now, but we actually have DIRT under the trees and on the roads now. It's a bit of a shock after so many unrelieved weeks of white or blue or gray. Silence has given way to the noises of life again, birds and squirrels and dogs so far. The smell of ice and snow is replaced by the scent of soft earth and sunshine again. I love winter and I love spring so I feel the loss of one and the joy of the other being on it's way, though I can't help but think that we are going to have at least one more heavy snow or hard freeze.
My dad is coming to stay for a couple of weeks, we're supposed to go get him in a week and I am really looking forward to it, snow or not. I think he'll enjoy being here and will like the area.
I blogged about my goals for the month of January and while I did try, I failed at least one of them. I managed only time 1-2 days a week to work out. That's not to say I had no time, but getting ready, setting aside time and privacy and then cooling off and shower after took so much more than the 10 minute workouts I hoped for so I ended up avoiding them. I think the goal of working out every day was too much for me and I sabotaged myself. However, I have been pretty good about curtailing my calories from drinks and eating healthier, fresher food with more veggies and no fast food. None!! As a reward I have lost two pounds. I was hoping for 4-8, but this is pretty good for doing so little. I was hoping to do a cleanse and detox, but I have always been pregnant, nursing, or sick and couldn't. Til now. So I refreshed my memory by reading through the Master Cleanse and told my friends and husband I was doing it. Then a friend mentioned that lemons can be hard on teeth.. and I have had thousands of dollars worth of work done in the last two years. Allrighty, that's out.
So I ordered samples of a colon cleanse pill and an acai berry mix to try out. "Sample" my aunty. They charged me for the samples I ordered (under $5 total) and then, being from the same company, made two extra charges. The total was more like $200 after that. Our entire grocery budget. Thankfully family helped us out with food til we got our refund and I called every number I could find on the paperwork and website to make CERTAIN I was canceled or removed from every membership or re-orders. One customer service rep actually argued with me that I could get a refund of even use paypal to buy it at all. LOL.
Now I have the pills and my refund. Win win. I don't feel bad though I normally would because they tried to rip me off. Me losing money would be something I would simply accept and learn from, but taking the food off my kids's plates makes me seethe. That company can kiss my grits, I'm keeping the samples. Since I have them and can't do the Master Cleanse, I might as well try the Acai berry instead, so I'll be blogging weekly or more often if I feel like it while I take the pills. I am actually looking forward to it and while I'm hopeful that it will also help me lose weight, I am mostly looking for a less toxic body. At the best I'll lose more weight and be healthier, at the worst I'll have no change at all and I'll still lose a couple more pounds from simply living the changes I've made. Either way, I'm recording it all, hope you follow along!

New year, new determination.

I'm not much of a 'resolutions' kind of gal so I'm not going to talk a big about resolving to do impossible things like turn my life upside down, read War and Peace, and never eat chocolate again.
*shudder*
Can you even imagine no chocolate? The horror!
Back to what I was saying.... I do want some big changes in my life, but I'm fairly sure that I would fail at an astonishingly rapid rate if I made massive changes, so I'm not. Last summer I stopped drinking coffee and soda for three months straight and though I drink it now, it's no more than once every week or two. I also worked on portion size, weeding fast food out of my diet, and getting more activity.

For a long time it worked. I lost 20 pounds and felt great, but then around the beginning of November, when I was making up a Thanksgiving menu I decided to stop being so concerned. After all, holidays are notorious for packing on the weight and as long as I didn't gain I would be happy. Oops. I've bounced up and down 4 pounds for 2 months and I am tired of it! I want to lose again, however slowly it may be so I have to go back to basics. January has just begun and I plan to take advantage of a new start in a new month of the new year. Too many new? Yeah, I agree.
Keeping it simple gets the best results for me so that's what I'm doing. I plan to do something active every single day for the month, hopefully kicking my butt back in line and giving me the results I need to motivate me long term. When I mentioned this plan to my friends on Granola Chicks, one of them (a fellow member of Spark People, I joined in 2007) mentioned that there is a group on Spark People that are doing the EXACT. SAME. THING. Only they offer a trophy on my SparkPeople page and a chance to win a $300 gift car to Amazon.com. How cool is that? Of course I joined and I did my first workout. Ouch. I feel great, but a little tired and I had to modify 2 moves, a 3rd was hopeless, not even close to something I can do.
I kept my butt moving the whole time and did what I could.
Here's a short list of my daily goals:
multi vitamin
water
workout/cardio activity


See? Simple. Since I'm not sure I could keep it up for too long, I plan on doing it for 4 weeks and then if I think I have the moxi, I'll commit to another.