Plans change again

We have three beautiful children and enough love, time, and money to care for them. After my first child, I never wanted another - not because it was so awful, but because i loved him so much that I didn't want to deprive him by splitting my time and attention between him and another child. We got pregnant anyway since someone upstairs decided it for me. We were in an awful place for a new baby, both in life and in location and I spent 9 months stressed and worried and unhappy. He arrived and I fell in love. In the hospital the day after he was born I was already talking about another child, only this time he would be planned so that there was no negatives to fight, only a joyful experience. Our last was a gorgeous boy as well and much loved, wanted, and spoiled.
They try my patience on a regular basis (today is one of those days) but I adore them. I wanted another but Mike didn't, he even looked at getting snipped. Of course, he chose not to go that route after all but he didn't think we should have any more. Getting accustomed to that idea wasn't easy but there wasn't much in the way of options for me if my husband said no. A few months later I was shocked when he said we should consider one last baby. So shocked that I didn't believe him and ignored it. He brought it up a few more times and assured me he wasn't just humoring me, he had really changed his mind. I was ecstatic when we set a date to TTC, the end of January or beginning of February.
My happiness was greatly curtailed shortly thereafter.

First was the news that my older sister had decided to have another child. Now, if you don't know the whole story then that might sound petty, but let me assure you that it's not a good thing and greatly re-enforced the type of person she was and how little she cared about anyone but herself.

With my youngest boy's 2nd birthday came weaning. My other children weaned and a cycle regulated just about right away, but this time instead of my erratic cycle getting even, it disappeared.

I found out that my cold wasn't what it seemed and I had pneumonia so I had to go on an aggressive course of antibiotics and an inhaler.

My dog, companion of 19 years, sweet darling dog died. I was broken up.

Then my grandfather nearly died and even though he survived, it was clear he wouldn't make it very much longer. He was alive long enough for me to say goodbye and died Valentine's Day. I'd never lost anyone I was so very close to and it was devastating.

I put on 30 pounds and then lost 20 of it through diet and exercise.

All of these things alone could have caused it, all together it would have been surprising if I had a cycle at all. I thought at first I might be pregnant, but I didn't feel it, you know? This last month I thought I ovulated and there was a chance I was pregnant but it only felt that way for a week then I went back to not feeling pregnant. If we were going to have a child, I needed to figure out what was going on with me so I made an appointment with my ob/gyn. He's weird and quirky, but he suits me and I trust him.
I had the gamut of testing that would come at a normal check up as well as checking my ovaries for cysts and getting a qualitative HCG. Negative. Healthy as a horse. Dr. didn't want me to go a week longer without a cycle since it would greatly increased the possibility of cancerous cells so I am now on progesterone. It's supposed to have me kick-started and cycling again in 6-9 more days and if it doesn't then I need to go back for further testing and examination.

Who knows if I'll have another child. I would love it because I love being pregnant and love having children, they each feel like a true gift. We have the time,money and room, most certainly the love. But plans change sometimes and all we can do it change with them, right?

Life Likes Curveballs

As a child, I never thought Santa was real so I was spared that disillusion. But I remember clearly the day I learned that old people die. The idea that someday I would lose my grandparents had me in deep fear and tears for days. Nanny and Dandad mean the world to me and the fear of losing them haunted me every day after my childhood revelation.
I grew up, moved out, fell in love and married. I became a mom three times and we bought our own home. I came to visit every 2-3 months and did everything I could to make sure they knew how much I love them and that they are important to me. When Dandad got diagnosis of emphysema, I was so scared of losing him but I was told he could last for his natural lifetime. Before I could really some to terms with it, he got pneumonia and was nearly lost. While he was in the hospital it was discovered that the scattered thoughts and confusion he had weren't oxygen deprivation but Alzheimers.
I spent all the time I could with him before he was lost in his own mind, giving my children as much of a chance as possible to form memories of him. It was so hard being there, KNOWING he knew what was happening, feeling that every moment with him had to count forever. Even more difficult was when he was in the transition between being himself most of the time and knowing what was going on to no longer even being aware that he wasn't himself.
James Malcolm Fulton, 79, passed on Valentine's Day. On Thursday was his funeral and burial. The service was emotional and teary eyed, so many people loved and respected him. The burial was moving, too. I collected shells from the 21 gun salute to keep as a memento and to give to my sons when they get older.
He was a wonderful man and helped make me the person I am and I will be forever thankful that I had him as long as I did.

Ah, life changes on me yet again

A couple of months back I got sick and it never got better, just worse, so I went to the doctor who diagnosed me with pneumonia. I was on an inhaler as well as a course of strong antibiotics and while it made a big difference, I still had chest pains and felt weak and breathless for weeks after the course of meds was over.
Mason weaned just before his birthday in October, just before I got sick, and I expected to go back to a normal cycle instead of the 53 day cycle I've had since he was 6 months old. Instead, I stopped having a cycle at all. Of course, I thought it was due to my illness, or the meds, stress, emotional pain... I was under a lot of ... oh, EVERYTHING.
Then it occurred to me that I might be pregnant but I didn't feel like I was, so we tested every week for 6 weeks with negative results every time. I missed a second 53 day cycle and I had PMS like normal, but again, nothing.
I waited til I missed my second cycle and still got a negative before I would make an appointment to see my ob/gyn, and with things going on lately I kept forgetting to make the appointment til today. SO - I see the doctor on the 22nd.