I kind of lost it. I went through all the stages of grief. Denial was almost comical, but not quite. I felt shaken to my foundation, a phrase i personally always thought a bit dramatic but now that ive experienced, will not take lightly again. I had a myriad of deep questions and frantic thoughts about my life, its meaning and what this life changing revelation will mean to the path I'm on.
Once I accepted it, I had a moment of clarity- this isn't a life changing revelation. I'm still me, I've lived with it for my entire life and there isn't a medical treatment that will alter my existence. I went back to doing nothing about it until I decided to try yoga and pilates in my desire to be more limber and active. I'd tried fast, intense workouts or prolonged sessions with my exercise bike only to wake each day with more pain than before til it got unbearable and I couldn't force myself to do it one more time. I felt weak and like a failure. But yoga, oh, yoga! I felt like the heavens were singing just for me... No pain! I'd never felt that before, it was almost like a drug. I was happy, active, cheerful, optimistic and sleeping like a normal person. It was glorious. Til we went away for a camping trip. N way I'm doing yoga at a public camp site and after a few days of neglect the pain was back. Possibly felt even worse.
Sometimes it's worse than others so I held on to my sanity and waited it out. Oh, it changed alright, but for the worse. To add insult to injury, I 'gots the dumb'. I saw a shirt once that had a phrase on it which stayed with me, it said "I can't brain today. I have the dumb." my oldest boys shortened it to 'gots the dumb'. Last time I was this stupid was the 9th month of pregnancy with my oldest boy. I lost the word 'the'. Kid you not, lost it. THE. Do you know how hard it is to speak like a civilized human being without it?
I was taking the kids to the library a few days ago and had a nagging ache in my back that graduated to throbbing by the time I was getting out of the car and it was near crippling after a few minutes indoors.my left leg kept turning jellyish and when I tried to straighten up it felt as though my spine was attempting to secede from my pelvis. In order to walk, I cad to put my weight on my right hip and curl my chest toward my knees. I shuffled in a weird, lumpy way over to the non fiction section and found a book on the most researched of pain syndromes, the over-diagnosed and dreaded Fibromyalgia. It's time, I thought to myself, to learn more about what exactly is going on with my traitorous body. Checked the book out, gathered my well behaved little men (thank you for that!) and went home.
of course, time got away with me as it does and by the time I had a moment to read, I was in bed and more interested in watching tv til I slept than cracking open a book on pain. Tonight was a little easier, the pain was down to a dull roar, I had a lucidity that's been a rare thing in the past month, and the kids had a simple dinner and ran themselves out at the park. With a sharp pencil, a new pack of lined notecards, and quiet, I started reading. It was a beautiful mixture of technical explanations and similes. I UNDERSTOOD! Not just the words and ideas, I mean I felt like they wrote it based on ME. Poor Mike just wanted to sleep but instead he heard a litany of random quotes from the book. Who knew that yoga could increase endorphins thereby dulling the pain? And they would also decrease depression, moodiness, pain, and appetite? How had I never known that excessive PMS symptoms, head/jaw aches, insomnia, overeating, listlessness, and muscle twitches are normal for fibromyalgics? As is, surprisingly, the mental fog I get from time to time.
I'm not sure I've ever been this excited about a book. I'm only a 6th of the way through or so and already have a sheaf of notes taken. The best thing I've taken from this book is how lucky I really am. I've lived with it for so long that I usually don't notice it, it's not as though I had much to compare it to. I can manage it through natural methods and I KNOW what's going on with me. Did you know there's an average of 5 years searching for the name of the mystery illness for fibromyalgia sufferers? I didn't look at all and the answers were all just handed to me.
I suspect my middle son has it as well and learning more about it will help us both. I'm so thankful that it's not just brushed off as hysteria or malaise anymore, that there has been enough research done and books written that it can benefit the general public.
