And then there were two

Turns out Hawkeye had THREE rolling around in there! Sadly, for unknown reasons one of the kittens was still. But - there is good news, we have two gorgeous healthy babies still. And she is being such a good momma! We have one of each - a Siamese like mom, and a tux like dad. I haven't handled them enough to check the sex but when I know, I will share.
We found Hawkeye and her kittens when we got home from Florida. She seems to have had them only a couple hours before because the mess was still, um, fresh but the kittens were dry.
It was a wild trip and I am so glad to be home. Who knew one could develop an allergy to Florida? We got in Saturday afternoon and spent a few hours crashed at my MIL's house and then got groceries for our bare shelves and went home to crash some more. How do you handle jet lag? It's beaten me twice now.

Cats and kittens, birds and bees...

My brother and sister in law moved to my grandparents farm to help care for them as they grew older and infirm. The couple that had been doing the caretaking before them were friends of the family - meaning I knew the guy before he could crawl, all diapered and toothless and spitting up. He and his wife had a cat, Talula, and when they moved away the cat couldn't come and my brother and sister in law adopted her.
Only to find they adopted her pregnant belly as well. lol.
She is a darling cat, so sweet and cuddly that when she had her kittens I BEGGED to get one. I got two instead. We planned to get them fixed in February at the annual SNIP free spay/neuter clinic but this of course would be the year it's not free after all. We now have pissed on belongings and a pregnant cat.

There is an upside, it's not for long! We are making an appointment to get certain body parts ruthlessly cut off... I mean fixed :) and our queen is getting ready to drop her bundles-of-joy any time now. She is normally stand-offish to anyone but me and pregnancy has made that a thing of the past. She loves to be touched and petted and oooooooh belly rubs or back rubs earn you a friend for life. She was thin and elegant as are most young Siamese, but being pregnant has her eating everything in smell. I would say sight but it's not really a requirement. She'll leap from the floor to anything withing 4-5 feet. Even if it means hanging from my back by her claws. She'll rip open any sealed items in search of more more more.
We got her a bag of kitten food for the last week or two of her gestation since she is so ravenous and it was recommended and yes, she ripped that open too before we could feed her in a civilized fashion.
Last night I was ejected from my room thanks to sleeping lumps of children taking my spot and screaming or crying if I woke them enough to move them, so I slept on the couch, wrapped in a giant fleece comforter. I mention fleece because Hawkeye, our mom-to-be, is completely obsessed with this material. She'll purr with manic abandon and knead her claws into it while simultaneously nuzzling and sucking on it. I pity the children who sleep under their own fleece blankets since she is no great respecter of personal boundaries.
She jumped on me last night while I dozed on our couch and the combination of pregnant over-affection and the fleece blanket over warm body had her over the edge of reason. She kept head butting me in a not-so-gentle way, slamming her forehead into my face hard enough to shove me backwards further into the pillow, nuzzling frantically and kneading at me, spinning in circles and rubbing her belly on me, tunneling her nose under my hands and then meowing in her quiet, trilly sort of way.
Earlier I had noticed a hard patch on her fur when she accidentally sat on my hand (she's a little clumsy right now)and while she was freaking out on me later, I saw a red/pink fleshy looking thing hanging from her. I was started for sure and since I know nothing about pregnant cat midwifery, I ran upstairs to the computer to see if this is something that should worry me. It seems, as best as I could glean, that she lost her mucus plug!!! Nasty, but the earliest sign of impending labor. It could be 12 hours from then, it could be a week, but it means she's a mom soon. I just wish she hadn't been in my face at the time.
This morning I was watching her while she slept in the sunny patch on my bedroom floor, thinking about the dangers of birth and worrying about her when suddenly her belly jumped. A jump, shudder, then a tiny pointy thing shoved against her belly...... a kitten moving!!! I only feel gurgling most of the time when I pet her and I think I felt it/them move twice, a rolling sensation, but never so obvious as this. It was great. I am coming to suspect that she has a very small litter in her, 1-2 maybe. That would be good since she is only 1 and this is her first (and last) pregnancy.
Now I just hope that she either has them before we go on our trip or waits til we get back. Cross your fingers people!

Today really was different

This as my backyard at about 11 am. I went to the sink to wash my hands, looked up and all three were looking in my kitchen window. By the time I got my phone for a picture, they were further out and despite the semi-lazy look of them in the photo they were moving constantly and fast as though they knew they were going home soon and wanted to squeeze as much fun and adventure as they could into the time they had. I'd never seen these horses before but they were clean, fed, and shod so I assumed they were someone's babies... just not the kind of babies that wanted to let me keep them in my yard til the Sheriff's car showed up. They took off around the side of my house and to the front yard where our neighbor's two horses were and all 5 took up screaming, peeing, and head bobbing for a few minutes. Then off again, across the dirt road and away behind and empty house. The tracks lead to the next street and I heard them talking to each other but didn't see them. Right as I was walking back home the Sheriff's car went by - a good response time, just not fast enough for horses on the lam!
Mick slept through it but I got a couple of pictures and the younger boys got to see them up close. Hope the adventurers get home safe and sound!
This reminded me that I never told you all about my very first call to 911. Recently I was on my way to City Hall in Bend to pick Mike up from work, all three kids asleep in the back seat of the van. I drove under the Wilson street overpass and was shocked to see a man contemplating a jump into the southbound traffic. He looked so utterly sad as though he had given up, holding on to the railing but facing the street below. I called 911, busy signal. I hung up a moment because I was fighting the memory of my mother's refrain, "You never call 911 unless there is a REAL emergency!" Oh, wait, this qualifies.
Amazing how inane the mind can be when faced with something so unexpected and serious. I got off at the Colorado exit and when I stopped at the intersection, called again. This time it went through and the operator asked me what my emergency was. I got one word out... "I.." before the information on my location must have come up on the screen because the operator suddenly interrupted to ask me if I was calling in a jumper on the overpass. Since I was, I said yes, he told me there were 2 cars on route, I said thank you and he hung up. It was somewhat anticlimactic considering it was my first 911 call and it involved a disturbed and very sad man attempting to take his own life, but my next thought (inanity strikes again) was 'They record those calls and I said 4 words. I yes thank you. How dumb am I going to sound if they need to play that recording ever again?'
Because Mick slept through both of these rather sudden occasions, he is understandably eager to be involved somehow now that he's awake. I asked the children to let me know right away if they see a car in the driveway or hear a knock since I am hoping to hear back about the horses. Mick came up to me a few minutes after that to say "I hear... knocking?" I did too but in a vague distant way that didn't sound right.
I checked the front door, barren of life. So I followed the sound upstairs and into my room where it became mixed with feline growling. It all suddenly clicked and made sense. My very pregnant Siamese was in the top shelf of my walk in closet hunting the sound, growling and desperate to attack the unseen and unreachable prey - that turned out to be a woodpecker on the outside wall of the house.
This is one of those days, one of those weird days where everything is just a few degrees Off, know what I'm talking about? Uh, yeah. Things never seem to fit right, there is no rhythm or discernible pattern. Not always a bad things, but the unexpected is a little less safe, I think.
Let's hope nothing else happens!

There is good stuff, I promise

As most of you know, I am overweight and battling it. Today was a huge slap in the face of that goal. Oops. But I am keepin' on keepin' on, I won't give. And for good reason. I was worried when I lost 6 pounds in two weeks then stopped. I didn't give up, I forged on. I increased my workout time, I upped the intensity, I more than doubled the miles.
Still no scale change. I measured myself and I have lost a small amount in inches, but not enough to show the amount of work I am putting into my journey to transformation. BUT....
I am happy enough. I say that because I would love to have more obvious changes. It was my goal to lose 8-10 pounds a month and in this month I have actually gained a little - mostly water weight I think since it comes and goes overnight, but still. Gain is hard to see in bold black numbers. That's the bad. The good? I look better. It's nothing drastic and amazing, but my calves are muscled and hard again other than the soft spot on the inner side of my knees, my thighs still touch (let's be honest here, they always will, even when I was fit they touched) but it's not at the knee or even at the halfway mark - it's less than halfway. My saddle bags are shrinking visibly and the cellulite on the back of my thighs is fading. Enough to make me think of shorts this summer if it keeps up!
My core is tighter, I feel fitter and my belly doesn't sag like it used to. My butt is SMALLER. Hows that for a good change? My shirts still fit about the same, but my pants are loose and flowy now.
Not a 22 yet, but edging up on it! I can't trust the numbers and I promised myself to look for the changes in how I felt, how clothes fit and what I looked like, not BMI or pounds so I am holding true to my promise to myself. And I am changing. Oh, lordy I never thought I would see the day I could work out for an hour or bike 6 miles and LIKE it!! I need to be more careful about my food. I never thought it would be SO hard to eat 5 small meals a day. I mean, I snack and I make healthy little meals for the kids all the time, it should come easy. No way, it's hard!
I think I may need to make my snacks and have them in the fridge and then have food combos ready and on hand so I don't go for the fast and fatty stuff in the fridge. I need to set a clock or something so that I don't forget to eat or put it off.
On the upside, water intake is easier now that I have my metal water bottle. It's always with me and since it has a screw top, NO KID SPILLS!!!!!
OK people, I'm forcing myself to make things a little more positive. I'm changing my goal this week since the small meals are so out the door.
This week- One day this week find an alternative to working out in the house.
Make and package snacks.
Write a meal plan for 7 days and make sure the food is on hand.
Water and green tea only.
Here's hoping!

still in the gray

I have a wonderful life, I love my husband and kids, I normally enjoy all of this a great deal. I am still sad today and I think I've pinpointed a large contributing factor.


I'm lonely.


It's not a new concept to me, I've always felt that way. Only I had my family around me then so it cushioned the pain a bit. Now my family is not only far away, they have changed.I've tried to make friends where I go but it never seems to work out the way I hope and plan. I fell in love with a man I saw for hours each day and we still have a happy marriage, but now with work and commute, I get him 3 hours a night, shared time with the kids.
My attempts to make friends has never panned out for long - well once, for a year. I miss PEOPLE and ACTIVITIES. I miss going for walks, having casual visitors, playing in the park.

Warning: Unloading Zone!

I have few friends. The ones I have are wonderful and I cherish them. I have a good number of online friends and I love them too, some of them I love enough that I wish they lived closer and we could all be neighbors and have chats over coffee and let our kids grow up together. Seriously.
As much as I love to share the good news and fun times, I also share the bad. I whine. Yup, I know it's a surprise that a pulled together, with-it woman such as myself could lower my standards to actual whining, but I do. I learned a long time ago that keeping it all to myself makes me angry and bitter and a little crazy and that leads to no friends at all.
Right now, I don't feel like I have anyone to cry to and it's hard. My husband has heard it all and he's a Fixer. You know one, I am sure. The kind of person that assumes because you're talking to him about a problem, you must need him to do or say something to make it all better. I, on the other hand, am a Venter. I want to take care of it myself, I just need to blow off frustration about it before I bust a valve in my head and end up crazy. Er. Again.
I vent a lot to my friends and family and sometimes they need a break. I'm not necessarily a negative person but I feel strongly and my venting reflects that. I am emotional. It takes a lot to sit there and be my Shoulder-to-Cry-On.
My favorite forum, my collection of friends - they are true blue and would be there for me. I am the one holding back there because I know that my Cone of Silence is about to allow in a few new members and I feel I can't share my innermost thoughts anymore.
That leaves me with you, dear blog. I know no one reads this, so I can vent away without fear or reprimand or efforts to fix the issue. There is no issue. I'm just sad.
We planned to have one last child to complete our family and since in the past I could get pregnant by thinking too hard about babies, I thought our biggest problem would be our fears- DH scared of twins, me scared of not having a boy. I was wrong. We planned to TTC in Jan/Feb 2010. It was planned out and we agreed on it. then I stopped having a cycle at all in September 09. There was an attempt to correct it through medication and I had one period. I believe things happen for a reason, the Grand Design, I have faith that things will turn out how they should. I have tried not to cry. I just wanted another baby. We have the money and space and time and love. I'm a good mom and it's with intention that we would be bringing a new life into this world. Every time my period is supposed to come and doesn't, the bruised feeling in my chest grows a little more. It could be so much worse and I feel guilty about my sadness - it's not as if I lost a pregnancy or a child. There are three beautiful children in my life and I adore them. I'm trying to accept and move on, but it just hurts more and more. I let it slip to my SIL that I am considered infertile, hopefully it's temporary but this moment it is what it is. Wrong person. I didn't realize til I said it that I was being horribly insensitive to a woman who fought infertility to have her two kids. She was sweet about it, but I really should have kept my mouth shut.
I took a test last night and got the usual - negative. I acted like it didn't matter because Mike has already been through enough tears with me and to burden him with my sobbing over something so selfish didn't set right.
I go through PMS, crying at the dumbest things, mood changing in an instant, swollen feet and stomach, cramps... then nothing. I swear the world is bombarding me with commercials and TV shows with babies and pregnancy. I see rounded bellies everywhere. Tiny baby clothes too cute for words in every store. Even my CAT is having babies.

I won!

I entered the give-away for the Avon bath and perfume set and I won!! I am so excited to try a new scent after all these years.
I won in another way, too. We agreed to sell our too-small-for-the-family car to the neighbors, who had only one child at home and were in need of a vehicle. We thought we were giving them the kind of break we'd been given, the kind that allowed us to get back on our feet. Instead, they took our generosity and ran with it. Literally. 18 months of lies and sneaking and we're finally through. We got a call that 3 days ago the car was repossessed from one of the two addresses the loan company thought might be our run-away neighbors. After nearly 2 years of treating us like blithering morons, they called 6 times withing a few minutes of losing "their" car. They were angry and then calmed down enough to ask us how they could continue buying it.

Are you KIDDING ME!?!? These people have BALLS. They ruined our carefully restored credit and in our efforts to keep our commitments, they forced us to make the payments they didn't make resulting in us tightening up our budget in any way we could. They took food from my children. When our attempts led us to overdraft fees and a bounced mortgage check we decided that a bad credit score wasn't what we wanted, but keeping the house was more important than a black mark for 7 years. I wish their daughter a happy, healthy, normal life. They, on the other hand, deserve every nasty fruit grown from the row they plowed and seeded with dishonesty and selfish disregard for anyone but themselves. Yeah, I sound bitter, but not in general, just toward them.
My lesson is that no matter who you are selling to/buying from, get it in writing, notarized, and don't procrastinate or let it slip by out of kindness. You and your loved ones come first, kindness to others is a virtue, but one that shouldn't hurt your family.
And because I have to spill my innermost thoughts ....
Lately, I've started to feel older. I felt 24 for years but this year I've noticed the loosening skin in my face, the dark circles that never go away under my eyes, the way my body melted away into flab. My children are getting bigger and in my eyes, more wonderful every day. I came to terms with them growing, but I can't handle seeing the same changes in my father and mother that I see in myself. They aren't allowed to grow older.
I already started changing my life to make better choices and live healthier for my children, but as I get older I am starting to do it for myself, too. I've discovered that I want to be attractive and energetic again. I am not going to accept aging without a fight. I am tightening up and starting to lose the softness once more revealing glimpses of the girl I used to be. I'm eating better and taking my vitamins. I'm paying special attention to my hair and face, both of which have been showing signs of being near 30. Extra conditioning, gentler care, and yes, I am buying lotions and potions for my face - ones that have made a big difference in my looks.
All of it makes me feel better about myself, I get a little more bounce to my step when I catch sight of myself and can see I have reversed at least 5 years in my looks. Self pride looks good on a girl, too. It helps that my DH really appreciates the efforts, too. He's been encouraged to make some big changes to his life as well. I think its' working for him. :)
Despite the awful weeks of snow and hail between the wind and rain of spring, we have had some sunshine and a bit of warmth. Enough that the grass that was neglected for years has been peeking through. It gives us a bunch of ideas for the yard that have me all a-twitter and itching to get my hands dirty. My tomatos are getting bigger and so is my basil. Next come wildflowers!