I got sunshine!

Today I woke at 5 am to see the sun peeping over the horizon with an orange glow.I looked warm,it should have been cozy... it was cold. Brrr, chilly,enough that I turned up the heaters. No one likes to wake to a frozen nose and ears. By noon, it was hot and sunny and simply gorgeous, so we did what any good loving parents would -we shoved them outside and shut the door. Well...not completely. I went out and took some pictures and enjoyed the sun,too. They also got Otter Pops. Yum. See, I'm still a good mom.
I am so so so so so to see sun. That may come as a surprise since I tend to hiss in direct sunlight, but even people like me need warmth and a little UV action. The birds singing, plants green and blooming, my kids playing in the sun and not wearing coats. Good times.
I stopped exercising a month ago since I was hurting, but I am not seeing it get better any time soon and I have managed to hold my weight steady but that might not last, so I am going back to walking every day. I missed the activity,the feeling of health that came along with it and the good habits it was instilling in my children.
I'm going to take it a little easier on myself than I did before, I'm aiming for activity, not sweating bullets and hurting myself. I would love a bike to ride or a way to go on those gorgeously long walks I used to love.
Back to the point! I m going to be getting active again and I hope to lose about 10 pounds. That should get me to nearly a 22, at least a small 24. I'd be pleased with that.

the things that happen

I have been trying to get healthier and the road has gotten rough a few times. Bouts of insomnia, falling off the wagon in regards to food or soda, pneumonia, travel, you name it. Sometimes the rough spots in the road damage my willpower and I eat more than I should of things I shouldn't, sometimes I'm not able to work out or be active.
As a result, I've lost roughly 30 lbs in the last year, but it was all 6 months or more ago. Since then, I have held steady at 285 pounds.The good news is that I'm still a size 24 and I feel more fit than I have in years. The bad news is that I'm not losing anything.
During my recent vacation to Florida I had alcohol and desserts every day as well as soda and sweet tea. Thankfully the immense amount of walking I did daily countered it and I held steady.
I also stopped my daily workout a few weeks ago as a last ditch effort to figure out why my period stopped. Since it doesn't seem to have been the miracle fix to the problem, I'm back to the daily exercise. I'm also going to be watching my intake again (stopped for a while)
My hips and pelvis were hating me a lot for all the work I was putting them through so I finally took Mike up on his offer to go to his chiropractor for an adjustment. Sure enough, there was a significant height difference, my right being 1 1/2 inches higher. The doctor said he could fix that through a few smaller adjustments over time, but he was unhappy about my answers to his questions so he gave me a further examination. From that, he tells me there is a very high likelihood I have something called myofascial pain syndrome. Never heard of it before he mentioned it so I looked it up when I got home and wow, it's sucky. Almost as sucky as the painful,painful examination.
That was Tuesday and I have another appointment for Friday and again Monday. In the meantime- I have a cold. Yay.
Today I am starting over, back to eating healthier, being active, and drinking more water. I need to lose about 30 pounds to be back to my average adult weight and right now that is my aim. After I reach that I'll take a good hard look and decide if I should keep going.

It's a sad day

Neither Hawkeye nor myself have had kittens before so both of us made mistakes. She didn't know how to feed them and I didn't realize that they weren't being fed. I just figured I wasn't seeing it.
I did notice that she wasn't warming them properly even though she was laying NEAR the box and was washing them. By the time I realized they weren't getting fed, it was too late. They were only a few day sold and it breaks my heart. The first was dead when I got home,the second died an hour after I figured out he was sick. While I was sad and wished I could go back and save them, but it was beyond my reach to help them. The third was a fighter but was fading, we rushed to get her KMR and she improved... til about 8 hours later. I left the kitten on the bed while I went to look up anything I should know about hand-feeding a newborn kitten and when I got back, I found her alone in the cat bed - cold. Her mom laying on the floor nearby watching.
It was obvious she was failing and no amount of warming and rubbing and feeding was going to help.
It was so awful. I sat with her, sick to my stomach, waiting for her to recover or pass on. I know it's hard to watch any innocent baby die, but this hurt worse than I was prepared for. I found myself sobbing and realized that I was combining my feelings on several subjects. I still hurt very deeply over losing my Dandad as well as my 19 year old dog and D's new companion dog I fell in love with and had to get rid of this year and I have been dealing with infertility since last year. If I can't have the baby we planned, I could at least adore the fluffy new babies my special kitty was about to have. Instead I had to watch them die.
My darling husband buried them in the same grave as my Foxy.
This has been an emotional weekend and part of me wonders what I've done wrong. Is there a reason that this is happening, something I did wrong or didn't do at all that leaves me deserving of all the pain? Or maybe I had it too easy for too long and now life is trying to even out.
I recently decided to cut my sister out of my life. Before you judge me, I had 21 years of good reasons. My family deserved a better me than I was while she was still in my life and it was obvious that she was never ever going to change. She has since given birth, my younger sis told me the news while I was on vacation. She had a c-section and then had infections from it. I found myself totally disaffected by it. Normally I am a very maternal, very baby-excited person but knowing the kind of person SHE is and the kind of mom she has proven herself to be ...... I know I will never see that baby. I have a nephew out there in the world I will never get to know. I suppose if keeping my heart from being broken yet again, then it's completely understandable that I have no personal and deep reaction to the news. Last time I loved those boys as much as I've ever loved until I had my own children, only to watch her hurt them and then I lost them. At least this way my family gets a better me, I don't have to watch the destruction or lose a nephew again. I can only pray that the baby's dad is a loving and responsible man who will do anything to keep his son happy and healthy, no matter what my sister does.