Warning: Unloading Zone!

I have few friends. The ones I have are wonderful and I cherish them. I have a good number of online friends and I love them too, some of them I love enough that I wish they lived closer and we could all be neighbors and have chats over coffee and let our kids grow up together. Seriously.
As much as I love to share the good news and fun times, I also share the bad. I whine. Yup, I know it's a surprise that a pulled together, with-it woman such as myself could lower my standards to actual whining, but I do. I learned a long time ago that keeping it all to myself makes me angry and bitter and a little crazy and that leads to no friends at all.
Right now, I don't feel like I have anyone to cry to and it's hard. My husband has heard it all and he's a Fixer. You know one, I am sure. The kind of person that assumes because you're talking to him about a problem, you must need him to do or say something to make it all better. I, on the other hand, am a Venter. I want to take care of it myself, I just need to blow off frustration about it before I bust a valve in my head and end up crazy. Er. Again.
I vent a lot to my friends and family and sometimes they need a break. I'm not necessarily a negative person but I feel strongly and my venting reflects that. I am emotional. It takes a lot to sit there and be my Shoulder-to-Cry-On.
My favorite forum, my collection of friends - they are true blue and would be there for me. I am the one holding back there because I know that my Cone of Silence is about to allow in a few new members and I feel I can't share my innermost thoughts anymore.
That leaves me with you, dear blog. I know no one reads this, so I can vent away without fear or reprimand or efforts to fix the issue. There is no issue. I'm just sad.
We planned to have one last child to complete our family and since in the past I could get pregnant by thinking too hard about babies, I thought our biggest problem would be our fears- DH scared of twins, me scared of not having a boy. I was wrong. We planned to TTC in Jan/Feb 2010. It was planned out and we agreed on it. then I stopped having a cycle at all in September 09. There was an attempt to correct it through medication and I had one period. I believe things happen for a reason, the Grand Design, I have faith that things will turn out how they should. I have tried not to cry. I just wanted another baby. We have the money and space and time and love. I'm a good mom and it's with intention that we would be bringing a new life into this world. Every time my period is supposed to come and doesn't, the bruised feeling in my chest grows a little more. It could be so much worse and I feel guilty about my sadness - it's not as if I lost a pregnancy or a child. There are three beautiful children in my life and I adore them. I'm trying to accept and move on, but it just hurts more and more. I let it slip to my SIL that I am considered infertile, hopefully it's temporary but this moment it is what it is. Wrong person. I didn't realize til I said it that I was being horribly insensitive to a woman who fought infertility to have her two kids. She was sweet about it, but I really should have kept my mouth shut.
I took a test last night and got the usual - negative. I acted like it didn't matter because Mike has already been through enough tears with me and to burden him with my sobbing over something so selfish didn't set right.
I go through PMS, crying at the dumbest things, mood changing in an instant, swollen feet and stomach, cramps... then nothing. I swear the world is bombarding me with commercials and TV shows with babies and pregnancy. I see rounded bellies everywhere. Tiny baby clothes too cute for words in every store. Even my CAT is having babies.