Am I supposed to know how to feel?

There are so many possible scenarios that people don't really consider. We just live our lives and so when the unexpected happens, it's unprecedented and we're helpless. It's as though we naively assume the moment that brings the impact will also show us the way to handle it and find our way out.

Losing my Dandad scarred me. A year and a half later I was in less pain but still completely unsure of how to move on, when Nanny followed him. Who can tell you what to feel, how to move past it? Each person has a different history and deals with their feelings in a different way so there can't be a one-size fix for sadness.

I'm trying to find positive points to cling to and focus on in the hopes that I'll feel better sooner than the year it took before.

If you know me or have read my morose blather on this blog then you know that the stress of my Dandad's illness and facing his immanent loss had some physical repercussions for me. First was pneumonia and then quite suddenly, and ironically right after we decided to have another child, I developed fertility problems. I tried weight loss and exercise, then I tried progesterone, followed by a lot of research that lead me to try saw palmetto. The saw palmetto gave me more results and therefore more hope than the other things I tried but still no baby. I really don't like who I am and how I feel on birth control pills so I want to avoid those.... especially since the pregnancy I had on the heels of birth control (conceived 6 days after my last pill) was so whacked out. Every stretch mark was from that baby and I was huge by 4 months. The size of twins by birth, and after nursing I was up to a FF cup. The other two were so much smaller, I want to avoid pills if that's a possibility again.

In my research I had come across a couple of other options for herbs that might help my situation so at the beginning of November I went looking all over for chasteberry (vitex)and found an herbalist here in La Pine that suggested combining it with damiana. Here's what I found about chasteberry;

Medicinal Properties:

This healing herb works primarily on the pituitary gland to balance and stabilize the hormonal fluctuations women experience every month with their menstrual cycle.

It increases the body’s secretion of luteinizing hormone which helps to reduce prolactin and increase both progesterone and follicle-stimulating hormones.

Higher levels of prolactin contribute to irregular or the absence of the menstruation cycle, thus, using this herb helps to normalize the menstrual cycle, including symptoms of PMS.

Evidence suggests that the flowers contain the plant world’s equivalent of human testosterone, which would help to stimulate libido.

I'm feeling the effects already and hoping beyond hope that after the recommended 3 months on it I'll be pregnant, or at the very least back on schedule.