I'm sad.

There are so many words I could use to convey the depth and breadth of my feelings, the experience. None seem right.
When my Dandad passed February 14th, 2010, I felt like my world was turned upside down in the worst way. I'd never dealt with death so close to me, of someone I loved so wholeheartedly. 3 weeks ago my stepgrandfather passed pretty unexpectedly and his funeral was Monday the 17th. It made me feel like I really needed to go see my Nanny, so we arranged to come down on Monday after the funeral. Sunday my sister called me in tears to tell me I shouldn't wait that long. We dropped the children at their grandparents and rushed down. I feel in my heart she heard more than she could show, but I never saw her eyes open again, never heard her voice.
We were there day and night with her and when we all went to the table for dinner on Tuesday, she let go. She was never happier than when she had a table full of food and a house full of noise, laughter, conversation, coffee, and love. She just seemed to shine. I think she waited. Waited til we were all seated at her table, eating, talking, and laughing before she chose to let go in peace.
Never having really mourned before, I didn't know how to handle it when Dandad died and after close to two years of muddling my way through, I thought (foolishly) that experience would make the way a bit smoother. It was heart wrenching to be there, to deal so closely with the process and to see everyone I loved hurting all at once so I kept busy. Emotions were running high, leading to tensions, arguments, thousands of tears, perpetual hugs and I found out Nanny had provided an account especially to feed everyone when she died. That was so like her, lol. it sounds good and healing unless you know me... I can't eat when I'm sad, I can't sit still when I'm stressed, I hate being touched, and I don't know what to do when a grown person cries.
I don't normally drink, but I was willing to try it. honestly, it did help numb the feelings enough that I could cope like a human being. I hugged, I cried, and I cleaned everything in sight, I cooked for hours, I drank coffee til I was dizzy and when she died I drank something harder. I would stay awake til I couldn't any longer just so I wouldn't have to lay in bed and feel. Or think.
Coming home was good for a day and then the realization settled in that without a huge family to care for and all the distractions, I'd have to feel it all. I'm so tired. I wake up tired, I spend the day tired, I cant seem to escape the sadness for more than a few stolen moments at a time. I know I'll heal, I know it'll get better someday.
I just keep thinking of the other people who are hurting even more than I am, who've lost someone so dear and thinking, I'm so grateful for what I had and how much a part of my life they were. I knew they loved me beyond my bad temper, family upheavals, and bad choices. They were my anchor and happy place and I cant envision right now how I'm supposed to move on without them. I'm so thankful for my kids unending unquestioning hugs and laughter, but especially my husband. Who stood with me when I couldn't see through the pain, held me til I fell asleep, and did a hundred and one little things to make it easier for my family and I... and is still.
when I was a child, I didn't understand when someone said that love isn't always happiness and smiles, sunshine and roses, that love can hurt just as badly as it heals. I think I understand now.