Family weekend and a little self analysis.

I was gone for the weekend to see family. It was really great but at the same time, a little odd. I had an awesome time visiting my dad's family and while there I discovered something about myself that I had been reluctant to admit. I've got a gutter mind. Now, if this is a surprise to you then imagine how I feel? My youngest sister told me a couple of months back that when I visited the conversational material was lowered significantly - this is really something coming from HER and I was mildly offended and not so mildly taken aback. I kept an eye on it though and sure enough I'm not an innocent party. Sigh. I'll have to work on that now, sheesh. Personal improvements aren't my forte.
The second time I thought the word 'odd' during the weekend was when my brother and his wife made a strong point of wanting to spend time with us. Enough so to go as far as demanding it of us.... which is necessary if you want any chunk of our time and company while we're down there visiting, but unusual, nonetheless. They often make noises about us getting together for dinner or coffee or some other polite way of saying they don't have time for us and definitely have other people they'd rather be associating with, but the brotherly love is there somewhere and we'll renew it at some later date. I kept waiting for the Big Moment that i sort of assumed came along with the particularity of us getting together. Why make such a point of it all if there wasn't something different or unusual spurring them on? It never really happened so now I'm at home.. and still waiting.
For the bomb to be dropped, the other boot to hit the floor, the ax to fall, whatever cliche suits you the best.
I feel I've given the wrong impression now. My brother doesn't actually like me as a person but he feels brotherly stuff, but his wife and I used to be good friends. I *think* she still likes me, but our relationship never settles so it's not easy to be sure.
The next 'odd' moment was realizing I wasn't going to see my mom while I was there. I always see her if only for a moment, a drive-by hug, etc. She wasn't in town. I felt a little sad and lost when we drove away without seeing her.
Of course, the biggest oddity was Nanny's house. It's hard enough to wrap my very stubborn brain around the idea that Dandad isn't just away, he's not going to show up any time soon. But Nanny not being there, either? It feels as though the house died and we're quiet in respect of the poor corpse sitting there all dark and cold.
My brother and his wife are making good and important revisions to the house to get it ready for Nanny's return home in a wheelchair. I think they are aesthetically pleasing changes as well as being better for Nanny, yet... I felt something moving around in my chest. Once I took the time to scrutinize it, I saw that it was resentment. The familiar was being ripped out and it distanced me even further from the good times and loved ones I remembered there.
The sad-sweet moments when I glanced at some place or thing and there was a memory flash of someone I loved or a time before the tough stuff happened or a time before I was aware of the bad that was there alongside the good. I cherished those moments and they're being taken away from me.
For the first time I saw my Dandad's headstone. The reaction was instantaneous and visceral, and the aftershocks haunted me all weekend.
It was a weekend full of laughter, teasing, bbq, sunshine, children, and large happy gatherings. I felt loved and wanted and though I didn't get to spend the time with everyone that I wished, it was good. Really good like a hug for the soul.
I needed that. I didn't see how deeply I was affected by the family stuff going on back at home. I want so badly for my husband's sister to like me and sometimes she seems to, I love spending time with her and then there is the inevitable 'something' that happens where she decides it's best if we're not all that close. I love that her daughter seems to like me as a person, not just the obligatory uncle's wife affection, but then the very liking has an alienating effect on her mom and grandma toward me. I feel like such an awkward fit, I know they think I'm weird and different and lately it makes me feel bad. It's occurred to me I might not be the cool, fun, interesting, eccentric aunt/SIL/DIL so much as a potential weird lady who wears flowy clothes and talks about essences and intention that longs to live in a garden somewhere far away from cities.
It was hard to grow up enough to accept myself the way I am and learn to laugh at myself, self confidence is HARD won and finding that I suddenly doubt myself once again really makes me insecure. And a smidge neurotic.
Growing up sucks.