Last night I forgot to write down my food, but thankfully it was easy to remember.
I had a bowl of oatmeal with brown sugar and butter for breakfast (280) then 4 small slices of veggie pizza (750) for dinner.... I woke from my nap just before lunch and got busy cleaning, missed it altogether. I had fully caffeinated coffee and a glass of water with my coffee, then 2 glasses of pepsi max with the pizza.


Today so far is good, too.
Breakfast: oatmeal with brown sugar and butter, water and 2 cups of coffee 280 cal
Lunch: healthy choice Kung pow chicken with rice, a glass of water and another soda 300 cal

On a more personal side I'm a little emotional today, I've gotten misty a couple of times today over nothing, really. I'm hopeful that this is a sign of impending ovulation though I don't have any signs of it so far other than some mild cramps and tenderness.

Losing Weight Wednesday May 25

Breakfast: 2 serving of cottage cheese 200 cal
Lunch: Lean Cuisine Tortilla Crusted Fish 300 cal
Dinner: Lean Cuisine Asian Noodles 300
Snacks:2 cupcakes at 195 cal each
Peanut noodles 420 cal
Total- 1410 hooray!

One of those days

Sometimes I have bad days, the pain I'm in makes me angry or frustrated and i can't have people touching me or getting too close, demanding my focus when I can't really do that. We call them "touchy". Yesterday was one of those days and it was bad for the kids and me and my diet suffered as well. Mike is very understanding about these sort of times, but I never stop feeling bad about it.
I still hurt, my back and shoulders are tight knots, my ribs ache, my abdomen and pelvis have been cramping, too. Clenching my jaw to the point of a headache, listening to my joints pop when I move. The day of is worse than the day after but it still hurts and I'm a bit stand-offish yet.
The kids were good, they understood not to pull or climb on me and Mike gave me a kiss and let me be... that's a little sad to me. But the worst of all was my diet. I've been working hard and being careful and I'm upset that I allowed myself to wallow in it and seek comfort in food. I made up a batch of chocolate fudge cupcakes with strawberry filling and buttercream frosting. yeah...... I ate 2 and enough spoon licking to count as 3. The craving appeased, I turned around to see 19 cupcakes left on the counter and thought, Oh, puppies, how badly am I going off my diet if I don't get rid of those?! Mike came home and had one, that gave me an idea - send them to work with him! I set aside a few for todays dessert and the rest went to City Hall. It was a plus to get compliments for them, but I got the temptation out of my house!!! Big step. I need to be careful of days like this in the future because of how badly my mood undermines my plans.

Losing Weight Tuesday May 24

I was so bad yesterday, I just didn't really care that much I guess.
Breakfast: two hot dogs, cold. 260 cal
Lunch: a can of garbanzo beans made into hummus 150
Dinner: peanut noodles 756 cal
Snacks: 6 mini spinach quiche and two cupcakes. 3 if you count the spoon licking I did while cooking them. 195 cal/cupcake 40 cal/quiche

1991 total for the day still under 2000, so great! I was lazy and grazing and didn't really look at the numbers before putting it in my mouth. I'm most surprised by the peanut noodles, wow. Back to paying more attention.

Losing Weight Monday May 23

Today I slept in (or tried to) because I had 4-5 hours a night for the last few days and I was running on empty. Unfortunately, Mike couldn't find the keys this morning since I handed them to Mack last night to give to Daddy and they ended up on a table near the downstairs bathroom... Nowhere near his dad. So I got to wake up at 10 to 6 in the morning. I fell back asleep for a couple hours and when I woke I wasn't too interested in eating, I get a stomach ache if I sleep badly. Bah.
I had some water and my vitamins, about an hour later I started feeling hungry, finally!

Breakfast: instant strawberry oatmeal and 3 cups of coffee. 150
Lunch: salmon burger 170 on a sandwich thins bun 100 with fresh spinach, tomato, mayo 90 and horseradish 68 Seriously good.
Dinner: lean cuisine lasagna and chicken dinner and a 44 ounce diet pepsi. 290 cal

We had a doughnut each for dessert. 240 cal

I added this on the fly, in my head but I think it's 1108. This week On the tv dinner diet Mike lost 4 lbs while I lost only 1. Any is good and I'm happy there was no gain, but I would have been happier if I'd lost more. Still have 3 weeks to go!

I'm looking forward to this weekend

I've been very carefully keeping track of my calories this week and other than one day that I really went overboard, I am REALLY happy with myself.
Mike and I are both overweight by about 50 lbs and while my health hasn't been too affected by it especially since I've been losing little by little, Mike's health has. He has high blood pressure and sleep apnea and his father had a stroke at a young age, obviously we have some work ahead of us. I've put a lot of effort into my own weight loss and better health but I haven't really pushed Mike into anything... mostly because he'd get angry and do the opposite.
Not that I gave up, not by a long shot but I had to soften it into suggestions and recommendations and simply buying better snacks and cooking healthier, eating at home more. Of course that's not exactly helpful if he buys a burger and fries on the way home, gets a soda and pizza for lunch, candy bars or Little Debbie snacks in his drawer at work. He's an adult and ultimately will make his own choices but as a person who loves him I want better for him.
He reached a breaking point all on his own and was unhappy over, I could tell he was starting to feel disgust and worthlessness (I know from experience). Thinking in a new direction might help, so I scoured the web for idea, inspiration, ANYTHING to give him a toe hold in the downhill slide. eDiets and Nutri-System and the like are too spendy, one month of their food for 1 person costs just a little less than a month worth of food for our family of 5. In reading the reviews and comments I saw a couple of comments about sticking to Lean Cuisine and Healthy Choice.
Hmmmmmmmm. Getting thinky now. Is that really a diet? I thought it was simply a healthier alternative to the other tv dinners. Time for more in-depth research!!
I feel you should imagine a good super hero theme song at this interval.
I built an arsenal of information with which to convince my darling husband that this was a good diet for him. To my shock, I didn't need to convince at all. I simply mentioned that I's seen online that you can actually lose weight with tv dinners and BAM, just like that he was interested and all for it.
We planned out what to buy, 100 calories snacks/desserts, lots of fruits and veggies, salad and of course, the tv dinners. We looked for the ones that are the best for us (low sugar, low sodium) and we were off and running. Er,not exactly but you know what I mean.
Mike selected low sodium meals from Lean Cuisine and Healthy Choice for lunches and some dinners as well as some snack for work. The kids eat pretty much what we eat, they love grown up meals that I can actually have like baked fish and salad, so I make the breakfast and have either a meal replacement shake or a bowl of oatmeal, fruit, and coffee or tea. Water and a snack like yogurt or cucumber slices, then for lunch and dinner I choose one meal to cook from scratch and one that's a frozen meal.
We had a hard couple of days at the beginning of the week while we adjusted to smaller meals and less sugar, but it's getting easier. I discovered that I can't have Rice Crispy Treats in the house, lol. Mike learned he needs to have snacks to keep him from giving in to hunger before getting home. We've also made sure to take a good hard look at the nutritional information at any restaurants we might go to.
I have high hopes for Mike if he can get used to this diet, I think it's really well suited to him and he could keep this up for a long time.
This weekend is supposed to be sunny and I hope to get the family out for a walk. if I can add walking 3 days a week then I can lose even more weight, maybe even firm things up a little. :) If nothing else, I get to relax with my kids and husband before Monday's weigh-in comes around.

Losing Weight Friday May 20

I was bad again today, I just can't seem to keep away from the darn Rice Crispy Treats.

Breakfast: weight loss shake 310 cal
Lunch: spaghetti and meatballs Lean Cuisine with two slices of oven toast 450 cal
Dinner: 2 fillet of fish w/ mixed veggies, salad w/dressing. 360 cal
I upped my water intake today, but I also had 4 Rice Crispy Treats (360 cal) so I haven't gone too far out of bounds, but I'm not happy with my choices.
Total today 1480 cal.

Losing Weight Thursday May 19

Breakfast: meal replacement shake 310 cal
Lunch: large salad with tomato, avocado, cheese and ham. 270 cal.
Dinner: Lean Cuisine dinner with Parmesan bread. 660 cal.
Taffy for dessert: 320 cal

Total of 1560 cal.

Losing Weight May 18

I forgot to take down my food for yesterday, oops.
Let's see, can I remember ....

Breakfast: meal replacement shake 310 cal.

Lunch: very large salad with tomato, spinach, avocado, ham, and a sprinkling of cheese. 270 cal

Dinner: Subway oven roasted chicken footlong on wheat with veggies and a tablespoon of chipotle sauce. 680

I had a glazed donut and a handful of saltwater taffy, I think 4? They were small, in any case, about as big around as a penny. 320 cal.

Total is 1580 cal. Yipee!

I love Avon

I have a few friends who sell Avon and I like to look through the E-zines and newsletters because they have neat stuff, good prices and great sales but I never bought anything. I wanted to, don't get me wrong, but the money and sales never seemed to coincide.
My sister in law started selling and I had the money, finally, so of course I indulged myself and placed an order. I got a little mini heart-shaped mold that's just adorable, I think the kids will love it. I also got them one each of scented bath time body paints for the fun of it, and then for me I took advantage of a 3 for $9 sale on nail polish and nail products. I got enamel in Cherry Jubilee and Tweed. I LOVE them. I also got a base coat because my nails have little lines on them and tend to get stained by strong polish colors. Of course, I also got a top coat to finish off the manicured look. They looks so gorgeously smooth and glossy now.
Putting on and taking off polish is hard on my nails, so I got a nail strengthening liquid called Strong Results. It says I'm supposed to put it on clean dry nails one or twice a day for 5 days without using polish during that time. The reviews looked good and I figured it couldn't hurt to try. Wow, I underestimated this stuff.

It smells a little like Nag Champa as it dries which is nice and right now I'm on day 4 and I'm so pleased with my nails. They are SO much stronger, I love it.
I also heard good things about Avons Naturals conditioner, and I have tried just about everything out there to moisturise and shine my very curly hair so why not? I got banana&coconut milk, and almond oil &avocado. I tried the banana conditioner first and it's ok, I'm not impressed with the scent, it reminds me of being at the pool in my childhood summers and it wasn't as Hydrating as it could have been but my hair looked good. Shiny and nicely coiled curls, just a bit dry. I've always had positive result with avocado or almond so I think that one might work better for me. I co-wash and I love trying new conditioners.

Losing Weight Tuesday May 17

Breakfast: oatmeal with margarine and brown sugar, 2 cups coffee with milk 228 cal.
Lunch: pork chop, grilled, large salad with cucumber, tomato, carrots, and vinaigrette 322
Dinner: healthy options chicken rice and veggies tv dinner, rice crispy treat and peppermint candy, unsweetened ice tea. 535 cal
1085!!!!! Wooooo! Much closer to my goal of 2000 a day.

Losing Weight Monday May 16 2011

Today is the first day on a one month diet for both Mike and I and it didn't have a stupendous beginning. I woke up with a nasty headache that I couldn't relieve with coffee since I had to avoid caffiene for the time being, so I took a couple Tylenol with my morning multi-vitamin.
Breakfast: meal replacement shake and a large glass of water. 310 cal.
Lunch: lean cuisine turkey, mashed potatoes w/gravy and a fruit&squash side. 20 oz water and 40oz sweet tea.570 cal
Dinner: 1 cup pork and beans with two slices of garlic parmesan toast and 40 oz water. 400 cal.

I did pretty well, right? Til someone reminded me we had Rice Crispy Treats in the pantry. I was craving and cranky and headachy and I thought one might be ok. While I was in the pantry, I got two. Then a half hour later I went back for two more. At 90 calories a piece, that was a big hit to my plan. If I had stopped at one or even two I would have been fine, but instead I had 4 and my calories hit 2640. Yeah..... That's 640 calories over my limit.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Making This Diet Official

I love sweets. I used to have a huge addiction to soda and for years I've eaten as though I'm still 18 and working a hard, physical job daily. My husband's weakness for fast food has been hard to resist. My weight has yo-yo'd for 10 years.

Now that all my linen is being aired nicely, I can start fresh and get this weight off. I've made some realizations and the result is a few promises to myself and a new point of view. I lie to myself. It's in little white lie form, but still there and damaging my weight loss efforts. I pretend not to see it if there is only a 2-3 lb gain and for a while I was counting my lowest weight even though it had fluctuated. I would forget to write certain calories because I didn't feel it counted if I only had one (or two) bites. Then of course I wondered why I was hitting dead zones.

I kept a food diary for a year, mostly as a way of shocking myself but it was a good guide to plan my next meal or see a pattern in my diet. I really was shocked to see some of my calorie count for the day end up in the 3000 range, even though most of the time I was about 2200-2300. That explains how I gained about 20 lbs a year. As if I was mystified, lol.

I had a huge hill to climb as far as changin my eating habits, I wasn't satisfied with a temporary or fast fix and I had really, really bad habits. Desserts too often and about twice the size they should have been, fast food several times a week, soda or coffee or BOTH daily. Full sugar, no substitutes. Did I mention how much I love adding sour cream and cheese to tacos, creamy sauces to chicken, frying vegetables? Yeah, bad eating.
First, I tackled learning protion control. Sounds kind of simplistic, we should know portions but it's startling how little we really know. For instance, a regular size can of my favorite soda is 2.5 servings? Who drinks less than half a can? And a bowl of cereal should be roughly 1 cup. It's a lot smaller than it sounds when you see it in a bowl, especially when a serving of milk is the same, 1 cup. My 3 year old son eats more than that for breakfast, forget about it satisfying the appetite of a big woman like myself. That's not even considering how unhealthy the average breakfast cereal is, and if its healthy it doesn't taste very good.
It took me nearly a year to make or eat meals that were of a normal size, time to move on to change number two- making healthier food choices. This one was much easier, believe it or not. We got menus from our usual restaurants so that we could be more informed before making our selections, restricting our eating out to one night a week, finding healthier alternatives for desserts and snacks. We managed this in a couple of months, all but soda. Ah, the worst of our habits. My husband refused to quit, he didn't want to so I did it on my own over a summer. I started by drinking diet. It was gross so of course I drank less, but not enough less. So I quit coffee and soda, replacing it with sweet tea. In copious amounts to give me the sugar and caffiene I craved. After a week I cut the amount of sugar in half, then another week I made it with no sweetner at all. That wasn't so hard, but replacing half the tea with water was.

Changing my eating habits and getting more active brough me down from 300 to 280. I've been down to 278 twice, but it hasn't stuck. I get secretive when I backslide and I tend to backslide at big events or when I'm sick. I think I finished a third of a sheet cake by myself after one party. This long rambling post is the beginning of complete food honesty for me, I'll be posting here daily to keep myself accountable. For the first time I'll be trying something new, timed goals. I was never able to control the variables enough to lose weight when and how much I wished but I think I can now.

Family weekend and a little self analysis.

I was gone for the weekend to see family. It was really great but at the same time, a little odd. I had an awesome time visiting my dad's family and while there I discovered something about myself that I had been reluctant to admit. I've got a gutter mind. Now, if this is a surprise to you then imagine how I feel? My youngest sister told me a couple of months back that when I visited the conversational material was lowered significantly - this is really something coming from HER and I was mildly offended and not so mildly taken aback. I kept an eye on it though and sure enough I'm not an innocent party. Sigh. I'll have to work on that now, sheesh. Personal improvements aren't my forte.
The second time I thought the word 'odd' during the weekend was when my brother and his wife made a strong point of wanting to spend time with us. Enough so to go as far as demanding it of us.... which is necessary if you want any chunk of our time and company while we're down there visiting, but unusual, nonetheless. They often make noises about us getting together for dinner or coffee or some other polite way of saying they don't have time for us and definitely have other people they'd rather be associating with, but the brotherly love is there somewhere and we'll renew it at some later date. I kept waiting for the Big Moment that i sort of assumed came along with the particularity of us getting together. Why make such a point of it all if there wasn't something different or unusual spurring them on? It never really happened so now I'm at home.. and still waiting.
For the bomb to be dropped, the other boot to hit the floor, the ax to fall, whatever cliche suits you the best.
I feel I've given the wrong impression now. My brother doesn't actually like me as a person but he feels brotherly stuff, but his wife and I used to be good friends. I *think* she still likes me, but our relationship never settles so it's not easy to be sure.
The next 'odd' moment was realizing I wasn't going to see my mom while I was there. I always see her if only for a moment, a drive-by hug, etc. She wasn't in town. I felt a little sad and lost when we drove away without seeing her.
Of course, the biggest oddity was Nanny's house. It's hard enough to wrap my very stubborn brain around the idea that Dandad isn't just away, he's not going to show up any time soon. But Nanny not being there, either? It feels as though the house died and we're quiet in respect of the poor corpse sitting there all dark and cold.
My brother and his wife are making good and important revisions to the house to get it ready for Nanny's return home in a wheelchair. I think they are aesthetically pleasing changes as well as being better for Nanny, yet... I felt something moving around in my chest. Once I took the time to scrutinize it, I saw that it was resentment. The familiar was being ripped out and it distanced me even further from the good times and loved ones I remembered there.
The sad-sweet moments when I glanced at some place or thing and there was a memory flash of someone I loved or a time before the tough stuff happened or a time before I was aware of the bad that was there alongside the good. I cherished those moments and they're being taken away from me.
For the first time I saw my Dandad's headstone. The reaction was instantaneous and visceral, and the aftershocks haunted me all weekend.
It was a weekend full of laughter, teasing, bbq, sunshine, children, and large happy gatherings. I felt loved and wanted and though I didn't get to spend the time with everyone that I wished, it was good. Really good like a hug for the soul.
I needed that. I didn't see how deeply I was affected by the family stuff going on back at home. I want so badly for my husband's sister to like me and sometimes she seems to, I love spending time with her and then there is the inevitable 'something' that happens where she decides it's best if we're not all that close. I love that her daughter seems to like me as a person, not just the obligatory uncle's wife affection, but then the very liking has an alienating effect on her mom and grandma toward me. I feel like such an awkward fit, I know they think I'm weird and different and lately it makes me feel bad. It's occurred to me I might not be the cool, fun, interesting, eccentric aunt/SIL/DIL so much as a potential weird lady who wears flowy clothes and talks about essences and intention that longs to live in a garden somewhere far away from cities.
It was hard to grow up enough to accept myself the way I am and learn to laugh at myself, self confidence is HARD won and finding that I suddenly doubt myself once again really makes me insecure. And a smidge neurotic.
Growing up sucks.