There are times I wonder about myself

Today is one of them. When I was a teen I was moody, given to quickly alternating bouts of anger and extreme sadness. I cried daily from both emotions.
The good news is my family were thick skinned and not inclined to take me out back and put me out of their misery. This gave me time to get my head out of the place it was firmly lodged and grow up a bit. I'm happy to say most of my loved ones now like me.
However, there are certain occasions where I feel deja-vou-flashbacky things from those awful years and I want to whine and yell "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!"
Not such a great gut instinct when caring for small children, something about teaching by example. Meh.
Oh, can't forget my favorite part of this rewind from hell .... It comes once a month and brings a gluttonous appetite with it. I suddenly crave Slim Jims, ice cream, and Little Debbie. All of which draws a range of responses from shuddering to a flat out NO. Sometimes a dirty look with a lifted eyebrow.
It came early.
Usually I prep for it by stocking up on seriously yummy, more healthful alternatives to the junk I jones for. If you knew that for one week a month you would pack away empty, preservative and sugar laden calories like a starving badger wouldn't you do something to avoid the majority of the damage? It came early and I'm broke and unprepared. Oh, the cravings and horror. I'm an emotional train wreck with self esteem issues, swollen feet, and an untrustworthy desire to eat anything that smells good. God help you if you're wearing a body spray or perfume that reminds me of cotton candy, apples, or vanilla frosted cupcakes.
To direct my scattered thoughts Im knitting a sock. Hopefully when I'm done there will be two almost similar socks but I'm not holding out hope. If I get antsy I'll check Facebook to see what my friends are up to... Which is why I'm up at midnight looking for shoes online. Not just any shoes, the ones I already own.
A friend of mine is very feminie, all tiny and cute and does things with hair, makeup, and shoes. Recently having discovered that I myself am a girl, I'm taking an interest in such thing so when she posted a picture of the shoes she just bought I HAD to comment. She replied that she is going to have to learn to walk in them, which reminded me of a pair of nosebleed inducing heels that I learned to stilt around on last summer. Here's a helpful high heeled hint you won't get from Heloise; if your feet get dry in the summer and you like to wear shoes that allow you to gather cloud cover around your ears, don't, I emphasize DO NOT lotion your dry feet. Either you will simply slide right out of those puppy's and clatter to an sexy pile on the ground from an awful height or your shoes will be reinforced skillfully enough to stop you by cramming your 5 toes into one large lump in the tip of your shoe and causing numbness and tingling that will last for days.
I thought maybe my blog had a picture of my deadly sexy high heeled platform strappy shoes from hell. I did a search and though I found nothing, I realized how long it had been since I really posted here.
I think I'm a little unhinged, but in a cute, endearing way right?
You know you love me.

Last night I forgot to write down my food, but thankfully it was easy to remember.
I had a bowl of oatmeal with brown sugar and butter for breakfast (280) then 4 small slices of veggie pizza (750) for dinner.... I woke from my nap just before lunch and got busy cleaning, missed it altogether. I had fully caffeinated coffee and a glass of water with my coffee, then 2 glasses of pepsi max with the pizza.


Today so far is good, too.
Breakfast: oatmeal with brown sugar and butter, water and 2 cups of coffee 280 cal
Lunch: healthy choice Kung pow chicken with rice, a glass of water and another soda 300 cal

On a more personal side I'm a little emotional today, I've gotten misty a couple of times today over nothing, really. I'm hopeful that this is a sign of impending ovulation though I don't have any signs of it so far other than some mild cramps and tenderness.

Losing Weight Wednesday May 25

Breakfast: 2 serving of cottage cheese 200 cal
Lunch: Lean Cuisine Tortilla Crusted Fish 300 cal
Dinner: Lean Cuisine Asian Noodles 300
Snacks:2 cupcakes at 195 cal each
Peanut noodles 420 cal
Total- 1410 hooray!

One of those days

Sometimes I have bad days, the pain I'm in makes me angry or frustrated and i can't have people touching me or getting too close, demanding my focus when I can't really do that. We call them "touchy". Yesterday was one of those days and it was bad for the kids and me and my diet suffered as well. Mike is very understanding about these sort of times, but I never stop feeling bad about it.
I still hurt, my back and shoulders are tight knots, my ribs ache, my abdomen and pelvis have been cramping, too. Clenching my jaw to the point of a headache, listening to my joints pop when I move. The day of is worse than the day after but it still hurts and I'm a bit stand-offish yet.
The kids were good, they understood not to pull or climb on me and Mike gave me a kiss and let me be... that's a little sad to me. But the worst of all was my diet. I've been working hard and being careful and I'm upset that I allowed myself to wallow in it and seek comfort in food. I made up a batch of chocolate fudge cupcakes with strawberry filling and buttercream frosting. yeah...... I ate 2 and enough spoon licking to count as 3. The craving appeased, I turned around to see 19 cupcakes left on the counter and thought, Oh, puppies, how badly am I going off my diet if I don't get rid of those?! Mike came home and had one, that gave me an idea - send them to work with him! I set aside a few for todays dessert and the rest went to City Hall. It was a plus to get compliments for them, but I got the temptation out of my house!!! Big step. I need to be careful of days like this in the future because of how badly my mood undermines my plans.

Losing Weight Tuesday May 24

I was so bad yesterday, I just didn't really care that much I guess.
Breakfast: two hot dogs, cold. 260 cal
Lunch: a can of garbanzo beans made into hummus 150
Dinner: peanut noodles 756 cal
Snacks: 6 mini spinach quiche and two cupcakes. 3 if you count the spoon licking I did while cooking them. 195 cal/cupcake 40 cal/quiche

1991 total for the day still under 2000, so great! I was lazy and grazing and didn't really look at the numbers before putting it in my mouth. I'm most surprised by the peanut noodles, wow. Back to paying more attention.

Losing Weight Monday May 23

Today I slept in (or tried to) because I had 4-5 hours a night for the last few days and I was running on empty. Unfortunately, Mike couldn't find the keys this morning since I handed them to Mack last night to give to Daddy and they ended up on a table near the downstairs bathroom... Nowhere near his dad. So I got to wake up at 10 to 6 in the morning. I fell back asleep for a couple hours and when I woke I wasn't too interested in eating, I get a stomach ache if I sleep badly. Bah.
I had some water and my vitamins, about an hour later I started feeling hungry, finally!

Breakfast: instant strawberry oatmeal and 3 cups of coffee. 150
Lunch: salmon burger 170 on a sandwich thins bun 100 with fresh spinach, tomato, mayo 90 and horseradish 68 Seriously good.
Dinner: lean cuisine lasagna and chicken dinner and a 44 ounce diet pepsi. 290 cal

We had a doughnut each for dessert. 240 cal

I added this on the fly, in my head but I think it's 1108. This week On the tv dinner diet Mike lost 4 lbs while I lost only 1. Any is good and I'm happy there was no gain, but I would have been happier if I'd lost more. Still have 3 weeks to go!

I'm looking forward to this weekend

I've been very carefully keeping track of my calories this week and other than one day that I really went overboard, I am REALLY happy with myself.
Mike and I are both overweight by about 50 lbs and while my health hasn't been too affected by it especially since I've been losing little by little, Mike's health has. He has high blood pressure and sleep apnea and his father had a stroke at a young age, obviously we have some work ahead of us. I've put a lot of effort into my own weight loss and better health but I haven't really pushed Mike into anything... mostly because he'd get angry and do the opposite.
Not that I gave up, not by a long shot but I had to soften it into suggestions and recommendations and simply buying better snacks and cooking healthier, eating at home more. Of course that's not exactly helpful if he buys a burger and fries on the way home, gets a soda and pizza for lunch, candy bars or Little Debbie snacks in his drawer at work. He's an adult and ultimately will make his own choices but as a person who loves him I want better for him.
He reached a breaking point all on his own and was unhappy over, I could tell he was starting to feel disgust and worthlessness (I know from experience). Thinking in a new direction might help, so I scoured the web for idea, inspiration, ANYTHING to give him a toe hold in the downhill slide. eDiets and Nutri-System and the like are too spendy, one month of their food for 1 person costs just a little less than a month worth of food for our family of 5. In reading the reviews and comments I saw a couple of comments about sticking to Lean Cuisine and Healthy Choice.
Hmmmmmmmm. Getting thinky now. Is that really a diet? I thought it was simply a healthier alternative to the other tv dinners. Time for more in-depth research!!
I feel you should imagine a good super hero theme song at this interval.
I built an arsenal of information with which to convince my darling husband that this was a good diet for him. To my shock, I didn't need to convince at all. I simply mentioned that I's seen online that you can actually lose weight with tv dinners and BAM, just like that he was interested and all for it.
We planned out what to buy, 100 calories snacks/desserts, lots of fruits and veggies, salad and of course, the tv dinners. We looked for the ones that are the best for us (low sugar, low sodium) and we were off and running. Er,not exactly but you know what I mean.
Mike selected low sodium meals from Lean Cuisine and Healthy Choice for lunches and some dinners as well as some snack for work. The kids eat pretty much what we eat, they love grown up meals that I can actually have like baked fish and salad, so I make the breakfast and have either a meal replacement shake or a bowl of oatmeal, fruit, and coffee or tea. Water and a snack like yogurt or cucumber slices, then for lunch and dinner I choose one meal to cook from scratch and one that's a frozen meal.
We had a hard couple of days at the beginning of the week while we adjusted to smaller meals and less sugar, but it's getting easier. I discovered that I can't have Rice Crispy Treats in the house, lol. Mike learned he needs to have snacks to keep him from giving in to hunger before getting home. We've also made sure to take a good hard look at the nutritional information at any restaurants we might go to.
I have high hopes for Mike if he can get used to this diet, I think it's really well suited to him and he could keep this up for a long time.
This weekend is supposed to be sunny and I hope to get the family out for a walk. if I can add walking 3 days a week then I can lose even more weight, maybe even firm things up a little. :) If nothing else, I get to relax with my kids and husband before Monday's weigh-in comes around.