popping in

Mike and I had doctors appointments yesterday and it took up the whole dang day. I felt icky that night and have been fighting nausea all day today. I am so sick, be back later, when I feel like one of the living.

The Shrinking Woman project

I haven't exactly been shy about my weight or the efforts I have been making to lose a few of those unwanted pounds. I have been big all my life, but my average adult weight was 250. At 240 I was really happy with how I looked. Over the last 8 years I have ballooned up to 320 and down to 250 3 times. Both of my grandmothers and my mom are diabetic now and my younger sister is hypoglycemic. I NEED to lose weight and teach my kids how to eat well.
I started out with using our recumbent bike and some hand weights til a friend told me about Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred. It looked like simple, easy moves, just 2lb weights needed and it was 20 minutes a day for 30 days. I ended up doing a couple of weeks of it and saw wonderful results but it was too hard on my 300 lb body. i know she says 400 l people can do it, but who is really going to wake up every morning and do something that hurts? I was spending a few hours recovering and falling behind on my housework and being grumpy with the kids, too.
Mike and I talked and decided it might be better to do a half and half - walking and The Shred. I don't have a work-out friend or someone who can keep me motivated so I have to keep MYSELF going.So far, I am diggin' it. I lost three pounds in the last 7 days and I feel great. I haven't seen a drastic size change, but I FEEL wonderful, I am sleeping better, and cellulite is fading. It's not gone, but it's so much smoother. If I keep it up, I might be halfway to my goal weight in a couple of months.

And the sun also shines...

Everyone knows of a song that speaks of a day where nothing goes right. Everything goes wrong from the moment you wake up (or don't, if sleeping through the alarm makes the list of things-gone-wrong) be it tiny as a run stocking or broken zipper, or be it big like losing someone you love or getting fired. We have all had those days, we get it, we feel for the singer.
Sometimes life feels like some celestial being put that song on repeat and got distracted. When those days happen it feels like there is no possible way you will survive even one more itsy bitsy fiasco.

This is what makes it allllllll better for me. Ignore the mess, I do. Please click on the picture so you can see the whole thing, I can't figure out how to get it to show the whole picture.
First, they were watching TV and didn't notice me.


After the flash caught their attention-



And 5 seconds later when the Ham tendency came out in them as a group.

Sigh. I am such a sucker for blue eyed red heads. They may drive me batty some days but even then they are the most beautiful, precious, inspiring thing in my life. I can't believe how blessed I am to be their mom.

Worry just compounds itself

I worry about things like my teeth going bad, my youngest son not shaking off this cough, money being really tight this payday, my niece hating her home life, my sister not recovering from the loss of our Dandad, Nanny's cancer returning, my mom not having health care when she has diabetes, high blood pressure, and needs glasses and dental care. The more I worry, the more stressed I get and then there are other thigns for me to worry about. Like enough stress that my body stops functioning the way it should.
I try to enjoy each day and not worry. Not nearly as easy as it sounds because my stomach knots up the instant I turn my thoughts back to the issues at hand. I know it will all turn out for the best. I breathe deeply, let it go and try to just move on.

I am officially a super big dweebA

A few months back a friend of mine suddenly had a link in her signature that said help me hatch my eggs, click here!
So I did. She was hatching dragon eggs. They ended up so cute and she had soooo many that I clicked on yet another link... the one that said Want your own eggs?
They died. I came back to dead broken shells. I was so sad that a friend of mine stole a couple of eggs to hatch and give me. It doesn't really work that way, so I had to get my own, and a few more friends followed. Now there are dragons galore in our group and I have 4 adults, 4 eggs. The first two eggs died, the 4 eggs that I got next hatched while I was sleeping but this morning I checked on my next 4, they were fine. a few minutes later they got cracks. Then the cracks got bigger. Then there was a hole... now the holes are getting bigger. I am as excited as if they were real, living creatures hatching. Silly, right? I normally don't play games like this, but for some reason this one has me.
Come take a look, they are hatching RIGHT NOW!!
http://dragcave.net/user/Meroluni

Who knew enchilada sauce was so wise?

I have had a blah day. Not good, not bad, not even boring just.... blah. The kids all seem to be feeling better with the exception of my oldest whose stomach ailment has turned into a gut ailment and he's NOT happy about it. I planned to make bbq chicken for dinner but then I saw a can of enchilada sauce and though Mmmmm that sounds good!
Normally one might make the next step checking the fridge/freezer for the rest of the ingredients for the meal. Me? I open the darn can and pour it into a pan then stand staring at it stupidly as if I expected the fully made meal to come out instead. My middle son walks in, looks at me, then the pan, then back to me and says, "what are you doing, Mom?"
"Making a big mistake, it seems."
After a moment of thought, he asks "What big mista......ay... ake did you um, make, Mom?" (If you've spoken to the boy, you understand)
"I poured a can of sauce into the pan hours too early an I'm not even sure I have the stuff I need to make enchiladas."
He laughed at me and said "That's not a big mistake, Mom, it's a little one.Don't worry." All the while he's making exspansive and then minute gestures to visually back up his opinion of the size of my oops.
I wanted to explain to him that it was a big deal to me, but then I thought about how silly I must look to a 4 year old, frowning over a cold pan and an empty can because I emptied it too soon. It's small beans, lady, get over it!
We don't have and meat defrosted and we are out of tortillas... part of my brain says 'so defrost the darn meat and MAKE some tortillas, it's not hard, you've done it before.' The other part is whining 'what a dumb move that was, why weren't you thinking?'
Kids have this bizarre way of seeing the problems that irritate and anger adults as no big gig, but the things we brush off as minor and not worth worry as huge, monumental and life altering. I remember once my grandfather telling me he would take me with him to the grange to get chicken feed one afternoon. I went playing down by the crick and forgot the time. When I remembered suddenly I scrambled up the hill and onto the bridge only to lose my grip and fall into a bunch of blackberry brambles. I tore a toenail off and had thorns where they seriously didn't belong, but my worry wasn't that I fell off a bridge or nearly put out an eye - it was that I might miss going to grange and getting chicken feed. It was ridiculous when I look back -
1) I knew my Dandad would never leave without me if he offered.
2)I got to the grange at least once a week
3)there was nothing special going on, no side trips to get ice cream, no chicks or ducklings to play with at the grange... I didn't even get out.
It's hard to remember how kids feel sometimes. Like the problem they face that moment is the biggest ever and could potentially break their heart.
And to kids... man, I thought the adults were all SO dang uptight! They didn't understand that my world hung on the one and only problem in my heart at the moment and though it may change later, right now it's the most important thing to me. Whether or not they agreed with it's importance or understood WHY, if they didn't support me, help me, then it really did break my heart. Not just the problem, the adult who didn't take me seriously.
I know, a lot to glean from a can of enchilada sauce right? My children remind me every day how to keep life simple, how to take a closer, clearer and less selfish look at the world without trying to make it all fit in the columns we adults think it should.

It's just not getting better

I know he was 79. It was a couple of years coming. He was sick and not himself and he never would have wanted to be kept around that way. It doesn't make it easier.
I expected to have come to terms with his death. Instead I feel normal and fine til I remember his I want to tell him, til I miss him and look forward to visiting, or just remember in a split second the way he hugged or his smile. Then it comes rushing back that he's not going to be here to see my kids grow up, he can't greet me with a hug, he'll never be there again and it HURTS.
There's no warning, just a memory then pain. While my sister and her kids were here we went to dinner at a local place and there was only one other person there, sitting with his back to us. Amidst the chatter from the kids and the confusion about orders, I noticed my sister get very still and start to cry. She collected herself enough to tell me that her middle girl asked if she could go talk to Dandad and pointed to the other patron. I turned around and sure enough, he looked exactly like my Dandad from behind and, like my sister, I burst into tears.
One of the kids piped up right then to say he needed to go to the bathroom so we jumped at the chance to run off and clean our faces up. I cleaned up, saw her eyes and had to go hide in the stall and cry again.
I jsut can't get my heart to understand what my head knows - that he's gone and Ill never see him smile again or tell me how proud he is of me, never laugh and tell me how big the boys have gotten. I miss him for me, *I* want a hug, but more so, I miss him for my kids sake. They won't remember him and will miss out on such a great man in their lives.
I believe that everything happens for a reason. When we moved to Wyoming I thought it was beautiful. It didn't have greenery and trees and I seriously missed those, but the people were wonderful and it had it's own beauty. We could have been happy out there, but a couple of things went wrong and they snowballed til we were forced to scrape ourselves together and come home, tails tucked.
It gave me nearly 5 more years with Dandad. If we'd been in Wyoming still I wouldn't have been able to spend time with him while he still remembered me, he never would have known the younger two of his great grandsons, and I wouldn't have gotten to tell him how much I loved him, how much he meant to me.
Life is good, it really is. I love doing little bits here and there to make our new house a home. I love watching my kids grow. Family are far enough away to not rule my life, but close enough that I can go see them often. My grandparents were my example of a good marriage and my involvement with them, their home and farm, the family get-togethers... formed my life long goals. I wanted a big family and land enough to have my own giant garden, animals too. There is lots of work to do, but I have my dreams now. He was able to come visit us and he was so pleased.
The night we saw Dandad in the restaurant, we came home and put in a CD of kids music and danced for a half hour with all 6 of the older kids while the youngest slept and their daddies watched us in amusement. It occurred to me and my sister at the same moment that we were building the memories of the next generation. WE were now the parents and someday the grandparents. We were having our family gatherings, big dinners, twilight games of hide-and-seek, sleepovers and playing games while the grown ups talked and laughed.
It was a good moment, a great feeling to realize that while Dandad is gone, his memory and his influence never will be. Maybe someday I'll stop crying when I remember he's not here anymore. In the meantime I will content myself that I know he was happy with he life he saw us building and would approve mightily.

Sort of a pointless update, but you love me so it's ok

Dr.Weeks, my favorite OB/GYN ever, put me on progesterone pills. 10mg a day for 10 days.
Yeah, it sucks. It's supposed to mimic the natural hormone levels just before a period. Then, when I quit taking it, the sudden drop in the levels should kick start a cycle. If it works I'll be so happy, but having a real PMS after months of nothing is like a slap in the face. Who wants that? Not me.
I'm cramping, emotional, sore, bitchy, and apparently acne, nervousness, and fatigue are side effects of the pills. Yay for me. Pfft.
In other news, my little sister and her family are coming to visit. I got a call from her, asking if it would be ok to come visit from late Wednesday to Saturday.
Um. Well, of course I would love a visit form all of them, they are always welcome. My hesitation was only because she was a little hesitant herself. Being me, I couldn't help but ask... Soooooo, what brings you up?
Juan said he took a day off and wanted to come up and visit. Dunno why.
Oh. Not sure what to do with that. Glad he wants to connect with us?
I stayed up late Monday and when i got ready to go to bed the clock on my computer said TUESDAY. Damn, that means I only have one afternoon to clean the whole house! It is never good enough, but this time it was such a mess that I knew I would need more time than one afternoon especially because I workout in the morning study at noon and care for my monsters in between.
I cleaned the spots on the carpet, did a bunch of laundry, some dishes, got the co-sleeper and swing set up, and the boys room clean. OH, I washed the dogs and brushed D, to. He's no picnic, people. He loves it and behaves, but it's a second workout in one day and then he follows me around begging for it never to end. I put up a bunch of pictures and hung the boys dry erase board, a shelf for the cute little alphabet train my Nanny gave the boys, and a couple of posters in the boys room, too.
Mike is picking up the food we'll need for the next few days since we'll have 4 adults and 7 kids in the house. I still need to clean the guest room (Mase made it snow all over the upstairs with the insides of the shredder. Whee, let it snow.) and get the bed made up. dang it, I still need to clean The bathroom and get some towels washed. Sigh Tonight is gonna be even more tiring than today was.
I'm looking forward to the kids all getting together for a few days, they just didn't get to spend as much time together as I would have wished on our last visit. then again, we only expected to stay two days and it was for a somber occassion. There is tons of room and I made sure to tell Bert to bring really warm clothes for the short people so they can play outside.
I get to have girl chat and a baby boy fix. mmm, warm soft little baby boy. I miss my kids being that age and I was hoping to already be expecting by now, so a fix will be great. I'm hoping that we make meals that Juan will eat and that he doesn't feel left out. He's a very quiet man and even when he does talk I don't understand him very well. It's funny, but awkward.
I'll be back Sunday.