They must be born that way.

You know the saying that 'kids don't come with instructions'? I think that's wrong. They DO come with instructions, just not for us as parents. They come with instructions on how to drive us batty, how to make every day a tribute to the art of patience while keeping us on the edge of insanity.

I don't own any duct tape.

That may have seemed a little out in left field considering the subject, but there is a real and direct connection. If I had it, the kids would be quiet. They would be in the spot I told them to be. They wouldn't get into the cupboards. I would know where my phone is.

I don't own duct tape, therefore my kids are loud beyond reason, they never stay put, the contents of my kitchen and bathroom cupboards makes a daily (sometimes twice daily) debut in a trail between my bedroom and the living room. And most importantly, I have no idea where my phone is.

I need a stiff drink and a full time babysitter. Or a soundproof room with a handle-less door that latches only on the outside. Or possibly someday a kid-collar based on the bark collars sold in pet stores will become legal.

I love my kids, but sometimes I feel like the entire world is screaming in my ears and I'm tipping sideways. Reality is, the world is not moving in any way different from the beginning of time and I am sure the population of the planet are NOT conspiring to yell til a mom in a tiny town in Oregon goes crazy and ends up dancing on the top of city hall without a stitch of clothing on yelling about conspiracies.