Sadness

We all have ups and downs. Today is a down for me. There are a million and one reasons, at least 5 of them pretty darn good ones. But who really wants to hear it? I know I don't feel any better for telling the why of it all. The what is a better subject.

I was a depressed mess for much of my teen years, most teens get that way I think. I just didn't realize til I moved out that I was sadder than most and it lasted longer than average. I have a great life, a wonderful family and a shining happy outlook for the majority... but sometimes I feel like I still have to be sad. Call it what you will - an outlet, a vent, down time, or keeping the balance even. I read Post Secrets, Little Women (Beth should have lived, dammit) and Where the Heart Is. I watch my children play and think of a future time where I will no longer hear the padding of little feet and hear childish giggles when they think they are sneaking up on me. I let myself get sad, I cry til my eyes get red, I hug my kids extra tight, I tell my DH I didn't know what happiness really was before I knew him, I call my mom twice in the same week and give her no reason other than "just because". Then I take a deep breath and go back to into the sunshine.

Perhaps it may be completely wrong in the case of others, but in my own little corner of the world, I've learned there is nothing lasting without balance. I can be sad without falling apart, happiness doesn't have to be absolute and always. Light creates shadows, rain brings life and I can be blue once in a while.
Maybe it sounds nuts. Perhaps you figured this out long ago and good for you, I hope it made you free. Sometimes, however, intelligent people can be a little slow.
I still hate not feeling in control of it every time the tears fall, but for the most part, I've accepted it and I feel open, clear and more honest.
This may have been one of those occasions when I am the only one who understand, perhaps better kept to myself. I might even delete this later on. But for the moment, I felt like talking. I never used to have such a clear view of the subject.
This new approach I have to the balance of feelings came while talking to my son. He had done something he wasn't supposed to and when I told him he was in trouble, he began to cry and then sob, then screech loudly and painfully. I put my hands on his cheeks and said his name until he focused and calmed down, and I said something I have told him all of his 5 years.
"You can feel sad, that's ok, but you can't scream at me." Doesn't seem all that inspiring, right?
He told me he wanted to be sad, went to his room to cry and feel sorry for himself, think things over and come to terms with it. Then he, as usual, comes out for a snuggle and hug and to talk. One of those times, he laughed through his tears and his smile was so bright.... it was like a smack upside the head and I suddenly had new insight on myself.
I would say a light bulb or a flash of understanding, but it really was like being hit in the head. A sharp and unexpected shock, a moment or two of numbness, followed by the certain and almost always painful realization of the truth. I wish it had been more reminiscent of heroine from a classic novel, romantic and perfectly timed, but it wasn't.


You know what? I already feel happier. I think I'll leave the dramatics and histrionics to the fictional ladies from years ago. I am perfectly satisfied crying once in a while and living the rest of the time in a happy, uneventful, non-dramatic life.