We are home, Sweet Home.

We went to Mike's parents place for what was supposed to be overnight and turned into a three day tour. We got in the door here at 2:23 am. It was an adventure. I'll share all the wonderful details of our visit in a few hours, right now I am exhausted.

Sadness

We all have ups and downs. Today is a down for me. There are a million and one reasons, at least 5 of them pretty darn good ones. But who really wants to hear it? I know I don't feel any better for telling the why of it all. The what is a better subject.

I was a depressed mess for much of my teen years, most teens get that way I think. I just didn't realize til I moved out that I was sadder than most and it lasted longer than average. I have a great life, a wonderful family and a shining happy outlook for the majority... but sometimes I feel like I still have to be sad. Call it what you will - an outlet, a vent, down time, or keeping the balance even. I read Post Secrets, Little Women (Beth should have lived, dammit) and Where the Heart Is. I watch my children play and think of a future time where I will no longer hear the padding of little feet and hear childish giggles when they think they are sneaking up on me. I let myself get sad, I cry til my eyes get red, I hug my kids extra tight, I tell my DH I didn't know what happiness really was before I knew him, I call my mom twice in the same week and give her no reason other than "just because". Then I take a deep breath and go back to into the sunshine.

Perhaps it may be completely wrong in the case of others, but in my own little corner of the world, I've learned there is nothing lasting without balance. I can be sad without falling apart, happiness doesn't have to be absolute and always. Light creates shadows, rain brings life and I can be blue once in a while.
Maybe it sounds nuts. Perhaps you figured this out long ago and good for you, I hope it made you free. Sometimes, however, intelligent people can be a little slow.
I still hate not feeling in control of it every time the tears fall, but for the most part, I've accepted it and I feel open, clear and more honest.
This may have been one of those occasions when I am the only one who understand, perhaps better kept to myself. I might even delete this later on. But for the moment, I felt like talking. I never used to have such a clear view of the subject.
This new approach I have to the balance of feelings came while talking to my son. He had done something he wasn't supposed to and when I told him he was in trouble, he began to cry and then sob, then screech loudly and painfully. I put my hands on his cheeks and said his name until he focused and calmed down, and I said something I have told him all of his 5 years.
"You can feel sad, that's ok, but you can't scream at me." Doesn't seem all that inspiring, right?
He told me he wanted to be sad, went to his room to cry and feel sorry for himself, think things over and come to terms with it. Then he, as usual, comes out for a snuggle and hug and to talk. One of those times, he laughed through his tears and his smile was so bright.... it was like a smack upside the head and I suddenly had new insight on myself.
I would say a light bulb or a flash of understanding, but it really was like being hit in the head. A sharp and unexpected shock, a moment or two of numbness, followed by the certain and almost always painful realization of the truth. I wish it had been more reminiscent of heroine from a classic novel, romantic and perfectly timed, but it wasn't.


You know what? I already feel happier. I think I'll leave the dramatics and histrionics to the fictional ladies from years ago. I am perfectly satisfied crying once in a while and living the rest of the time in a happy, uneventful, non-dramatic life.

does BRRRRR cover it?

Mike and I talked casually about how unseasonably warm and clear it was for the beginning of December, it was 25-30 degrees in the day and though we had a couple of light snowfall, it never stayed around. That all changed.
First there was a dramatic drop in temperature. Over a few days, it was getting to the single digits at night and freezing solid, but no precipitation. Then the snow came. And came. And came some more.
We had so much snow that we actually started worrying about getting out of the driveway again. Chains went on, the shovel made and appearance and the windows in the house were covered in weather-proofing plastic. The front door is iffy about latching and the cold pours from it like molasses in the winter, so we had decided in summer that when the cold hits, we're locking it, sealing it off and then hanging a blanket over it to stem the flow of chill. Looks dumb, but works.
The dogs are getting used to being inside again, as well. All spring and summer they only come in if the weather is too much... but winter here is one entire season of "too much". It's not an easy transition from being out all the time to only being out three times a day, but we're learning to live in a small space together again. lol. D'Oji loves to sleep against that cold front door, so he pays his way by helping with the heating costs. Foxy helps out the boys. We took away the bed frame since they 1- kept rolling off in the night and 2-were jumping on it and getting hurt. The arrangement has worked out well til the cold weather. Now the nights are freezing and the old girl curls up with the boys and becomes a living hot water bottle.
Yesterday I was watching our digital thermometer and while the temp in our house has stayed a cozy 71, outside it reached a high of 8, a low of -4. It dropped from 8 to 2 in two hours and all the moisture on our windows from washing clothes, washing dishes and washing ourselves - it froze. Solid. We had a whole inch thick seal of ice around the windows. I'm pleased to say that today it reached a balmy high of 11 degrees and the frost is gone.
Mike may have loved the snow piling up on the porch last year because it seemed like a giant igloo or snow tunnel and the inner child digs a good snow fort... but this year he started shoveling the porch to prevent it if possible.
hmm. Good effort, but I don't think it'll work. The wind blows that snow around like flour in a fan and it takes only a moment to erase all traces of his clean porch.
Tonight we're supposed to go shopping. You know, food and such. Kind of need that. I'm not looking forward to it. I am not normally the most hardy of drivers even in good weather. In this sort of condition, I am at best labeled "stoic" at worst.... well, nevermind.

The SWAP is here, the SWAP is here!!!!

It was delivered late because I thought I sent money for postage and ... well, didn't. then it was sent to my Nanny's house because I was going to be there for a long time. BUT since it was late shipping, we left Sunday it got there Monday. Oh, and I gave the sender the wrong address. Oops.
Nanny opened it to slip in a lovely card with holiday money for the entire family, re labeled it and off it went. It got here today. And as usual, I ran out to greet the mailman in something entirely inappropriate. This time it was a short robe and a hair tie, nothing else. Not even my contacts. It's no one's fault that baby's nap time coincides perfectly with my address on their route. I think I've become a post office joke, they are already laughing before I get out there most times and they never leave a "come get it at the post office because I was too lazy to deliver it" note anymore.
EDITED to ADD - you have to click on the picture, it's too large to fit and I am too dumb to know how to fix it. Thank you.
Edited again to say I'm not too dumb after all! I fixed it. Go me.
I opened it SO excitedly and with good reason - the ladies at Granola Chicks are one talented and creative group. I got

1)a set of vanilla cinnamon white chocolate spoons that I am dying to open and use immediately. I love you.
2) chocolate caramel Ghirardelli Cafe (have I ever mentioned how much I love coffee? and chocolate?) mmmmmmmmmmmmmm
3)an Italian herb mix that makes me drool at visions of melted cheese, tomato sauce and bread sticks dancing in my head. I keep opening it to sniff and drool a little more.
4)sinus relief bath salts with lavender, eucalyptus, and mint (who doesn't need THAT this time of year) they are lightly scented, so nice!
5)Garden Fresh Scrubbie soap, made with goats milk, rosemary, basil, peppermint and coffee grounds. Can you imagine the scent? Mmmmmm. I adore hand made soap. It's a sickness. Someday it will be my downfall.
6)a baby mitten sachet, it has the scented beads (I am assuming) inside and it sewn shut with a piece of elastic on the cuff for hanging. It's adorable and went straight on my door, I had to go get it back for the picture. It reminds me of clean laundry, summer flowers and fresh air.
7) A beautiful bracelet with green crystals surrounding these tan M&M shaped and sized beads (looks like agate to me) and couple of silver beads and a silver lobster clasp. I am not doing it justice, it really is gorgeous.
8)The cutest pincushion EVER. It's a glass bottle with a brown cloth cover, cloth measuring tape around the top, random unique buttons sewn on the cover and a felt cushion stuffed in it with bright shiny colored pins already in place. I love it so. The best pincushion I've ever had, hands down.

I made caramel popcorn and chocolate truffles as my addition to the swap. I think they were all waiting on me to get my package before we all shared what we got - and I was late. Really late.
And though there is no chance of her reading this, thank you so much Nanny!!! The kids will love getting to go to the store and buy something with their own money. I do too, because there is no wrapping paper to clean up after and I get all mushy inside watching them add up the purchases and buy it all by themselves at the cash register. Like tiny little men.

If you're reading this...

Naw, I'm still kicking. This is the first day I've felt human enough to post. Sick. Rattling cough, stuffed head, lost my voice to a sore throat.. you know the drill. I only had a fever for two days though, so there's an upside. Right now I'm trudging my way through the last-of-being-sick congestion. In the beginning you FEEL the worst but still look ok, then you get super sick and forget most of the middle, but the end... ugh. Feel well enough that you are getting antsy to get out of bed, but you look and sound like you might still die. Thankfully, we had a WalMart nearby when we embarked on this mucus-fest.
While thinking on it, THANK YOU to the people who thought up Puffs with Lotion, Vick's VapoRub, Halls cough drops, DayQuil, NyQuil, ChloraSeptic, antiviral tissues, and medicine delivery tools like oral syringe and the dosing spoon.
Really, it wasn't that much, I was exaggerating.
We always get a small box of Puffs with Lotion when the kids get runny noses because they get SO raw and start screaming and thrashing wildly when they see a tissue coming at 'em... and when the reason we're coming at 'em is because they're covered in snot, that's not so great. Think Hooch. You know, from Turner and Hooch. Am I that old?
The antiviral tissues were because we were staying at an elderly and infirm relative's house. These tissues killed a couple of different rhino-virus within 15 minutes.
I always have Vick's with me because the kids and I get stuffy when we have to go over mountain passes (which we do to even go grocery shopping or pick Daddy up from work) and be hit with heaters in the van and then freezing cold outside. Just pays to keep it handy.
elevation at home - 4505 ft.
elevation at Nanny's house - 1890 ft.
elevation at Mike's office - 3623 ft.
The dosing tools keep the mess to a minimum if we do end up having to give them something, but normally we don't.
The kids got over it fast, but Mike and I both got steadily worse on our drive home and the next day we called in sick. Since I work IN the home, this was much easier for me... I yelled down the hall "You get Ritz crackers and whatever fruit you can get from the fridge."
My oldest boy loves to take charge, a real Mr.Mom thing. He also loves to clean and adores babies. This makes it possible for me to be sick sometimes. He does not wet nurse or change diapers though... so I do need to get up once in a while, fever or not. Poor me.
My middle child is pretty oblivious to anything I say or do anyway, well or sick, so there isn't much change for him.
My youngest child is independent to the core. If he needs to nurse, get changed, or gets sleepy, he comes and climbs up on my bed to leave me in no doubt of the exact nature of his needs. Ever had a baby latch on sitting in a squatted position while you were asleep? No? ok, then, sit on your head with a poopy cotton diaper?
not that either, huh... how about a 1 year old pushing a kitchen chair to your bedroom door, climbing up to twist the knob, then shutting the door to climb into bed?
Tell ya what, that one freaked me out a little. I was still utterly sure that my 13 month old baby needed me. Looks like he doesn't. My older two boys weaned themselves, my oldest potty trained himself for the most part, my middle child learned to poop and wipe without my help. The baby is supposed to stay a baby. Right? Right? damn.
All of us are glad to be home to our own beds and two bathrooms. Most of us are glad to feel better. Here's a couple of pictures of the visit.

My youngest with his cousin, she's 3 months younger and just as tall. And has a lot more hair, lol.

A GORGEOUS flattering shot of me and the baby.

Mt. Hood, we were just outside of Hood River at the time of the picture.

and a beautiful pic of my Dandad and my youngest. He loves his great grandpa.