Yay, a package in the mail!

I love getting things in the mail. Free things in the mail are even better, but the the best yet is the combination of all is a package of free things coming to the house when I'd forgotten about it. Oh, happy goodness-in-a-bag. This is what I got-

There was some confusion and a couple of minutes of silence while I tried to recall ordering something from Target, then I remembered a makeup bag of hair care samples I signed up to get. I have somewhat finicky hair and a sudden allergy to silicone so I've tried many different products in attempts to find one that I can use AND afford. Samples are the answer.

I used the John Frieda Full Repair shampoo and conditioner today and the shampoo felt a little harsh as I used it but when my hair dried the curls were soft and hydrated so I guess it wasn't as bad as I feared it might be. Here's what else I recieved:

John Frieda Full Repair shampoo and conditioner
TRES`emme low sulfate shampoo and silicone free conditioner
Garnier Fructis Fortifying Pure Clean shampoo and conditioner
L'oreal Youth Code
Pond's Evening Soothe cleansing towelettes with chamomile and white tea
a Target coupon book
all in a cute little zippered makeup bag

I'm looking forward to the Garnier and TRES`emme samples, crossing my fingers that they'll work out. I used co-washing with a baking soda scrub right now, but I would love to have a store-bought alternative for certain situations where it would be more convenient or I need my hair to look it's best and I don't want to pay for it by itching and flaking for days. I've tried L`oreal skin products and I have confidence in them, but the Pond's towelettes are an unknown.

Am I supposed to know how to feel?

There are so many possible scenarios that people don't really consider. We just live our lives and so when the unexpected happens, it's unprecedented and we're helpless. It's as though we naively assume the moment that brings the impact will also show us the way to handle it and find our way out.

Losing my Dandad scarred me. A year and a half later I was in less pain but still completely unsure of how to move on, when Nanny followed him. Who can tell you what to feel, how to move past it? Each person has a different history and deals with their feelings in a different way so there can't be a one-size fix for sadness.

I'm trying to find positive points to cling to and focus on in the hopes that I'll feel better sooner than the year it took before.

If you know me or have read my morose blather on this blog then you know that the stress of my Dandad's illness and facing his immanent loss had some physical repercussions for me. First was pneumonia and then quite suddenly, and ironically right after we decided to have another child, I developed fertility problems. I tried weight loss and exercise, then I tried progesterone, followed by a lot of research that lead me to try saw palmetto. The saw palmetto gave me more results and therefore more hope than the other things I tried but still no baby. I really don't like who I am and how I feel on birth control pills so I want to avoid those.... especially since the pregnancy I had on the heels of birth control (conceived 6 days after my last pill) was so whacked out. Every stretch mark was from that baby and I was huge by 4 months. The size of twins by birth, and after nursing I was up to a FF cup. The other two were so much smaller, I want to avoid pills if that's a possibility again.

In my research I had come across a couple of other options for herbs that might help my situation so at the beginning of November I went looking all over for chasteberry (vitex)and found an herbalist here in La Pine that suggested combining it with damiana. Here's what I found about chasteberry;

Medicinal Properties:

This healing herb works primarily on the pituitary gland to balance and stabilize the hormonal fluctuations women experience every month with their menstrual cycle.

It increases the body’s secretion of luteinizing hormone which helps to reduce prolactin and increase both progesterone and follicle-stimulating hormones.

Higher levels of prolactin contribute to irregular or the absence of the menstruation cycle, thus, using this herb helps to normalize the menstrual cycle, including symptoms of PMS.

Evidence suggests that the flowers contain the plant world’s equivalent of human testosterone, which would help to stimulate libido.

I'm feeling the effects already and hoping beyond hope that after the recommended 3 months on it I'll be pregnant, or at the very least back on schedule.

Nanny's obituary

Nancy C. Fulton, 77, of Ashland, Ore., passed away Tuesday, October 18, 2011, at her home. She was born March 2, 1935, in Fort Worth, Texas, to Ernest Lisle and Maudie Earline Lewis. She graduated from Fremont High School in Sunnyvale, Calif.


Nancy married James M. Fulton Jr., on August 2, 1952, in Santa Clara, Calif. She worked for Child Care Counsel 4-C. She enjoyed crossword and jigsaw puzzles, crocheting, and sewing. She served on the 4-C Council Board of Directors.


She is survived by her son, Robert Lisle Fulton; daughter, Becky Ann Winfrey; sister, Cindra Lacey; brother, James Weldon Lewis; nine grandchildren; and 21 great-grandchildren. Nancy was preceded in death by her husband, James Fulton; brother, James Lewis; and grandson, Casey Fulton.


Visitation will at the Conger-Morris Central Point Chapel, Central Point, Ore., on Sunday, October 23, 2011, from 4:00 to 6:00 p.m. A funeral service will be held at the Chapel on Monday, October 24, 2011, at 11:00 a.m. Burial will follow at the Eagle Point National Cemetery at 1:00 p.m. Officiating will be Dennis Preshaw from the Church of Christ.

Arrangements are by Conger-Morris Central Point Chapel, 541-664-3361.

I'm sad.

There are so many words I could use to convey the depth and breadth of my feelings, the experience. None seem right.
When my Dandad passed February 14th, 2010, I felt like my world was turned upside down in the worst way. I'd never dealt with death so close to me, of someone I loved so wholeheartedly. 3 weeks ago my stepgrandfather passed pretty unexpectedly and his funeral was Monday the 17th. It made me feel like I really needed to go see my Nanny, so we arranged to come down on Monday after the funeral. Sunday my sister called me in tears to tell me I shouldn't wait that long. We dropped the children at their grandparents and rushed down. I feel in my heart she heard more than she could show, but I never saw her eyes open again, never heard her voice.
We were there day and night with her and when we all went to the table for dinner on Tuesday, she let go. She was never happier than when she had a table full of food and a house full of noise, laughter, conversation, coffee, and love. She just seemed to shine. I think she waited. Waited til we were all seated at her table, eating, talking, and laughing before she chose to let go in peace.
Never having really mourned before, I didn't know how to handle it when Dandad died and after close to two years of muddling my way through, I thought (foolishly) that experience would make the way a bit smoother. It was heart wrenching to be there, to deal so closely with the process and to see everyone I loved hurting all at once so I kept busy. Emotions were running high, leading to tensions, arguments, thousands of tears, perpetual hugs and I found out Nanny had provided an account especially to feed everyone when she died. That was so like her, lol. it sounds good and healing unless you know me... I can't eat when I'm sad, I can't sit still when I'm stressed, I hate being touched, and I don't know what to do when a grown person cries.
I don't normally drink, but I was willing to try it. honestly, it did help numb the feelings enough that I could cope like a human being. I hugged, I cried, and I cleaned everything in sight, I cooked for hours, I drank coffee til I was dizzy and when she died I drank something harder. I would stay awake til I couldn't any longer just so I wouldn't have to lay in bed and feel. Or think.
Coming home was good for a day and then the realization settled in that without a huge family to care for and all the distractions, I'd have to feel it all. I'm so tired. I wake up tired, I spend the day tired, I cant seem to escape the sadness for more than a few stolen moments at a time. I know I'll heal, I know it'll get better someday.
I just keep thinking of the other people who are hurting even more than I am, who've lost someone so dear and thinking, I'm so grateful for what I had and how much a part of my life they were. I knew they loved me beyond my bad temper, family upheavals, and bad choices. They were my anchor and happy place and I cant envision right now how I'm supposed to move on without them. I'm so thankful for my kids unending unquestioning hugs and laughter, but especially my husband. Who stood with me when I couldn't see through the pain, held me til I fell asleep, and did a hundred and one little things to make it easier for my family and I... and is still.
when I was a child, I didn't understand when someone said that love isn't always happiness and smiles, sunshine and roses, that love can hurt just as badly as it heals. I think I understand now.

I know a lot has happened this last 12 months so I don't expect you to remember but last year I was told I have myofacial pain syndrome. Fibromyalgia is the most common of these, but it's not certain that I have that, it might be another in the same family. I went to a chiropractor for the first time to get my hip back in place, 3 pregnancies left it... A bit lost. I think it forgot it's normal placement. I wasn't looking for a diagnosis, but i got one and the certainty with which it was diagnosed left no room for doubt. What did I, a grown ass woman, a mother of three and natural born survivor do?

I kind of lost it. I went through all the stages of grief. Denial was almost comical, but not quite. I felt shaken to my foundation, a phrase i personally always thought a bit dramatic but now that ive experienced, will not take lightly again. I had a myriad of deep questions and frantic thoughts about my life, its meaning and what this life changing revelation will mean to the path I'm on.

Once I accepted it, I had a moment of clarity- this isn't a life changing revelation. I'm still me, I've lived with it for my entire life and there isn't a medical treatment that will alter my existence. I went back to doing nothing about it until I decided to try yoga and pilates in my desire to be more limber and active. I'd tried fast, intense workouts or prolonged sessions with my exercise bike only to wake each day with more pain than before til it got unbearable and I couldn't force myself to do it one more time. I felt weak and like a failure. But yoga, oh, yoga! I felt like the heavens were singing just for me... No pain! I'd never felt that before, it was almost like a drug. I was happy, active, cheerful, optimistic and sleeping like a normal person. It was glorious. Til we went away for a camping trip. N way I'm doing yoga at a public camp site and after a few days of neglect the pain was back. Possibly felt even worse.

Sometimes it's worse than others so I held on to my sanity and waited it out. Oh, it changed alright, but for the worse. To add insult to injury, I 'gots the dumb'. I saw a shirt once that had a phrase on it which stayed with me, it said "I can't brain today. I have the dumb." my oldest boys shortened it to 'gots the dumb'. Last time I was this stupid was the 9th month of pregnancy with my oldest boy. I lost the word 'the'. Kid you not, lost it. THE. Do you know how hard it is to speak like a civilized human being without it?
I was taking the kids to the library a few days ago and had a nagging ache in my back that graduated to throbbing by the time I was getting out of the car and it was near crippling after a few minutes indoors.my left leg kept turning jellyish and when I tried to straighten up it felt as though my spine was attempting to secede from my pelvis. In order to walk, I cad to put my weight on my right hip and curl my chest toward my knees. I shuffled in a weird, lumpy way over to the non fiction section and found a book on the most researched of pain syndromes, the over-diagnosed and dreaded Fibromyalgia. It's time, I thought to myself, to learn more about what exactly is going on with my traitorous body. Checked the book out, gathered my well behaved little men (thank you for that!) and went home.

of course, time got away with me as it does and by the time I had a moment to read, I was in bed and more interested in watching tv til I slept than cracking open a book on pain. Tonight was a little easier, the pain was down to a dull roar, I had a lucidity that's been a rare thing in the past month, and the kids had a simple dinner and ran themselves out at the park. With a sharp pencil, a new pack of lined notecards, and quiet, I started reading. It was a beautiful mixture of technical explanations and similes. I UNDERSTOOD! Not just the words and ideas, I mean I felt like they wrote it based on ME. Poor Mike just wanted to sleep but instead he heard a litany of random quotes from the book. Who knew that yoga could increase endorphins thereby dulling the pain? And they would also decrease depression, moodiness, pain, and appetite? How had I never known that excessive PMS symptoms, head/jaw aches, insomnia, overeating, listlessness, and muscle twitches are normal for fibromyalgics? As is, surprisingly, the mental fog I get from time to time.

I'm not sure I've ever been this excited about a book. I'm only a 6th of the way through or so and already have a sheaf of notes taken. The best thing I've taken from this book is how lucky I really am. I've lived with it for so long that I usually don't notice it, it's not as though I had much to compare it to. I can manage it through natural methods and I KNOW what's going on with me. Did you know there's an average of 5 years searching for the name of the mystery illness for fibromyalgia sufferers? I didn't look at all and the answers were all just handed to me.
I suspect my middle son has it as well and learning more about it will help us both. I'm so thankful that it's not just brushed off as hysteria or malaise anymore, that there has been enough research done and books written that it can benefit the general public.

There are times I wonder about myself

Today is one of them. When I was a teen I was moody, given to quickly alternating bouts of anger and extreme sadness. I cried daily from both emotions.
The good news is my family were thick skinned and not inclined to take me out back and put me out of their misery. This gave me time to get my head out of the place it was firmly lodged and grow up a bit. I'm happy to say most of my loved ones now like me.
However, there are certain occasions where I feel deja-vou-flashbacky things from those awful years and I want to whine and yell "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!"
Not such a great gut instinct when caring for small children, something about teaching by example. Meh.
Oh, can't forget my favorite part of this rewind from hell .... It comes once a month and brings a gluttonous appetite with it. I suddenly crave Slim Jims, ice cream, and Little Debbie. All of which draws a range of responses from shuddering to a flat out NO. Sometimes a dirty look with a lifted eyebrow.
It came early.
Usually I prep for it by stocking up on seriously yummy, more healthful alternatives to the junk I jones for. If you knew that for one week a month you would pack away empty, preservative and sugar laden calories like a starving badger wouldn't you do something to avoid the majority of the damage? It came early and I'm broke and unprepared. Oh, the cravings and horror. I'm an emotional train wreck with self esteem issues, swollen feet, and an untrustworthy desire to eat anything that smells good. God help you if you're wearing a body spray or perfume that reminds me of cotton candy, apples, or vanilla frosted cupcakes.
To direct my scattered thoughts Im knitting a sock. Hopefully when I'm done there will be two almost similar socks but I'm not holding out hope. If I get antsy I'll check Facebook to see what my friends are up to... Which is why I'm up at midnight looking for shoes online. Not just any shoes, the ones I already own.
A friend of mine is very feminie, all tiny and cute and does things with hair, makeup, and shoes. Recently having discovered that I myself am a girl, I'm taking an interest in such thing so when she posted a picture of the shoes she just bought I HAD to comment. She replied that she is going to have to learn to walk in them, which reminded me of a pair of nosebleed inducing heels that I learned to stilt around on last summer. Here's a helpful high heeled hint you won't get from Heloise; if your feet get dry in the summer and you like to wear shoes that allow you to gather cloud cover around your ears, don't, I emphasize DO NOT lotion your dry feet. Either you will simply slide right out of those puppy's and clatter to an sexy pile on the ground from an awful height or your shoes will be reinforced skillfully enough to stop you by cramming your 5 toes into one large lump in the tip of your shoe and causing numbness and tingling that will last for days.
I thought maybe my blog had a picture of my deadly sexy high heeled platform strappy shoes from hell. I did a search and though I found nothing, I realized how long it had been since I really posted here.
I think I'm a little unhinged, but in a cute, endearing way right?
You know you love me.

Last night I forgot to write down my food, but thankfully it was easy to remember.
I had a bowl of oatmeal with brown sugar and butter for breakfast (280) then 4 small slices of veggie pizza (750) for dinner.... I woke from my nap just before lunch and got busy cleaning, missed it altogether. I had fully caffeinated coffee and a glass of water with my coffee, then 2 glasses of pepsi max with the pizza.


Today so far is good, too.
Breakfast: oatmeal with brown sugar and butter, water and 2 cups of coffee 280 cal
Lunch: healthy choice Kung pow chicken with rice, a glass of water and another soda 300 cal

On a more personal side I'm a little emotional today, I've gotten misty a couple of times today over nothing, really. I'm hopeful that this is a sign of impending ovulation though I don't have any signs of it so far other than some mild cramps and tenderness.